Two-Pièce de Résistance: Karen Mulder, 1997

I've always thought this photo of Karen was lovely.

Photo: André Rau

It makes me stop and stare every time I come across it.

It’s a very Grace Kelly look, which makes sense because the shoot was in Monaco. SI has done other “retro” themes, like Laetitia Casta’s “history of swimwear” shoot in 2000 and Heidi Klum’s “Varga girl” bodypainting in 2006.

Karen's pic feels a little different. Her swimsuit isn't particularly retro, but all the other visual elements are: the hair, the makeup, the coy pose, the peaches-and-cream smirk. Her spread in this issue told kind of a celebrity story, in which she’s strolling through her rarefied lifestyle, surrounded by reporters and pampered dogs and helicopters.

I know nothing about photography, but I think it has a different look from most swimsuit shoots. They used fashion photographer André Rau, and I believe this is his only shoot for SI, so they were going for a specific sheen.


Karen has a darker and more bizarre connection to Grace Kelly and Monaco, which I won’t get into, but suffice it to say Karen has had some darkness in her life. It’s hard to reconcile that darkness with such a pretty, charming, well-coifed image.

I’m reminded of this shot from Walter Iooss’s “Heaven” book. 

It’s Petra Nemcova, shot in Vietnam for the 2003 issue. Iooss has this to say about the photo:

“This is a picture I never really looked at until Petra nearly drowned in the Indian Ocean tsunami disaster almost two years after we visited Vietnam. It’s not a happy or sexy image by any means but there is something telling to it considering what later happened to her. Her history makes this picture a little more interesting.”

I disagree on one point — I think this is a very sexy image. But it’s also somber, imbued by tragedy with more weight.

I think it’s useful to be reminded that a lot of turmoil can exist beneath the most serene photo. We’re looking at a very controlled, final image.

Decadence

So it’s June 1, 2020. Obviously, there’s a lot going on today. But.

Ten years ago today, I put fingers to keyboard and started broadcasting my weird little thoughts and observations about the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

A surprising amount of stuff has happened to the issue since then.

The 50th Anniversary. The return of nipples. Recreations of historic shoots.

The foray into social issues. The widening of beauty standards for size, age, and amount of exposed skin. The shift to a kind of half-girlie-magazine, half-women’s-magazine.

The returns of many glorious veterans. The first second-generation model. The unveiling of a superstar.

SI Swim’s increase in social media, from boobcam tweets to an entire SI-hosted blog. A VR app. Live conventions.

A leaked cover. Three triple-covers. The pushing back of the release date from February to May to July.

Through it all, I’ve discovered I’m not the only historian with a deep affinity for this quaint, outdated slice of American cheesecake. There are maybe five or six of us.

I’ve enjoyed having a place to share my love for this magazine, and to share my frustrations as well.

At one point, my plan was to review the 2020 issue, whether it came out in February or May, then maybe shut the blog down (again) on June 1. But the schedule didn’t cooperate with that plan. I definitely want to see what 2020 is going to be like.

After that, who knows? The first time I ended this blog, after five years, was five years ago. And I just can’t seem to quit the swimsuit issue.

Relevant to Your Interests

A couple cute videos I stumbled across from something called Glam.com.

First, 100 Years of Swimwear, portrayed in bodypaint.



Then, 100 Years of Film Fashion. You may recognize the ingenue as our own Olivia Culpo.

Thumb-Hook Thursday: Rebecca Romijn, 1999

This might be the only painted-on thumb-hook in SI history.

Thumb-Hook Thursday: Anne de Paula, 2018

This is a nominee for the Thumb-Hook Hall of Fame.

Unfortunately, most of this year’s photos of last year’s model search winner don’t live up to her promise, in my opinion.

A large percentage of her shots consist of weirdly shaped swimsuits and weirdly splayed legs.

She has, I believe, the only headless body shot this year, and it looks like an accident. Like photographer Josie Clough’s finger slipped and they just never deleted that photo.

It’s not a flattering photo of what, if we recall her bodypainting adventure from last year, is a phenomenal body.

This stripey, lounging bikini photo is pretty excellent though.

Broad Strokes

Last year I mentioned that the swimsuit issue had several shots of models’ bodies. No heads, just torsos. I was simultaneously thrilled and hesitant about it.

I assumed we’d see a bunch more shots like that this year. But as far as I can see, there are only two. And they are both painted bodies of model search girls.

Behold: Anne De Paula and Lisa-Marie Jaftha. In painted one-piecers for One-Piece Wednesday.

They happen to be my two favorites of this year’s search. Specifically, Lisa-Marie is freaking magnificent. She reminds me of Lais in the ideal swimsuitness of her body.

Oh, for the record: beautiful face as well.

And everything else.

Plus, “Lisa” and “Lais” are anagrams, so let’s get both girls on board for 2018. However, I don’t know where to go to vote for her, or even if the vote is still going on. And that fact makes me realize I’ve felt kind of bland toward this year’s issue.

I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s everything else going on in the world. Maybe the Christie Brinkley news gave me some early idea that the issue would be gimmicky. Maybe it’s the loss of some of my favorite 2016 girls and the return of some who I might not miss as much. Maybe I’m just getting old.

But the fact is, the issue is filled with beautiful photos. Samantha Hoopes is a model I have never been real excited about (she’s got a 1980s hair metal music video vibe to her), but she has some very pretty, understated shots.

After my initial fit of downloading, I’ve been able to linger over the shots in a more leisurely fashion, and there’s a lot of greatness here. Not least of which is a stellar year from Hailey Clauson, so let’s give her a bonus One-Piece Wednesday for this amazingness.

Hot blonde. High-cut red one-piece swimsuit. You cannot top that.

And speaking of tops…

Hailey also submits her second entry into the “top-but-no-bottom” club.

And Kate Upton submits her first.

As does Sam Hoopes.

Keep it coming, girls.

Brush with Greatness

Normally, I am of the opinion that the bodypaint should be left to the models. But this year's painted athletes—each making her second appearance in the swimsuit issue—make a great showing.

Also of note: All three suits are one-piecers, which are rarer than painted-on bikinis.

I think each athlete made as good an appearance, if not better, than her previous outing.

UFC Fighter Ronda Rousey

Tennis Player Caroline Wozniacki

Alpine Skier Lindsey Vonn

Anne V, by the Numbers

…bookended by a shoot she did for Esquire last year.

Her streak of ten consecutive issues is nearly without precedent. (Kathy managed eleven in a row from 1984-1994.)

That number blew away the rest of her rookie class in 2005.

Alicia Hall (1 year)

Michelle Lombardo (1 year)

Frankie Rayder (2 years)

Mallory Snyder (2 years)

Oluchi Onweagba (4 years)

Daniella Sarahyba (6 years)

Only Daniella managed to break the halfway point of Anne’s longevity.

By my count, she has shared the magazine with 88 other models. (I am not counting athletes or WAGs or reality show stars. I am, somewhat grudgingly, counting Beyonce. I’m counting the 2006 cover all-stars, but not the 2014 “legends” reunion because, well, the legends were fully clothed.)

• • •

Adaora • Nina Agdal • Lily Aldridge • Michelle Alves • Ana Paula Araujo • Melissa Baker • Natasha Barnard • Ana Beatriz Barros • Elsa Benitez • Beyonce • Kate Bock • Yasmin Brunet • Carla Campbell • Jeisa Chiminazzo • Shannan Click • Kim Cloutier • Sonia Dara • Hannah Davis • Brooklyn Decker • Yamila Diaz • Cintia Dicker • Emily DiDonato • Zoe Duchesne • Lucia Dvorska • Selita Ebanks • Hannah Ferguson • Kenza Fourati • Esti Ginzburg • Jessica Gomes • Izabel Goulart • Quiana Grant • Kirby Griffin • Gigi Hadid • Alicia Hall • Bridget Hall • Melissa Haro • Jessica Hart • Bregje Heinen • Julie Henderson • Samantha Hoopes • Marloes Horst • Rachel Hunter • Chanel Iman • Heidi Klum • Shakara Ledard • Noemie Lenoir • Damaris Lewis • Michelle Lombardo • Elle Macpherson • Jarah Mariano • Lauren Mellor • Ariel Meredith • Alyssa Miller • Marisa Miller • Genevieve Morton • Fernanda Motta • Carolyn Murphy • Aline Nakashina • Petra Nemcova • Raica Oliveira • Oluchi Onweagba • Julie Ordon • Jessica Perez • Daniela Pestova • Dominique Piek • Tori Praver • Emily Ratajkowski • Frankie Rayder • Crystal Renn • Bar Refaeli • Hilary Rhoda • Rebecca Romijn • Pania Rose • Sara Sampaio • Danielle Sarahyba • Irina Shayk • Molly Sims • Mallory Snyder • Fernanda Tavares • Chrissy Teigen • Yesica Toscanini • Kate Upton • Cris Urena • Valerie van der Graaf • Jessica Van Der Steen • Veronika Varekova • Michelle Vawer • Jessica White

• • •

That’s probably a record.

Bodypainting appearances: 2

Covers: 0 (to the outrage of many)

Thanks, Anne. And congrats on your announcement.