One-Piece Wednesday: Heidi Klum, 2014

In addition to yesterday’s golden bikini, Heidi also sports three swimsuits in the style of the one that Nina Agdal wore on the cover of “50 Years of Beautiful.”

There are two bikinis. One features Heidi’s 1998 cover on the left breast and Babette’s 1964 cover on the right.

The bottoms alternate between Elle’s 1987 and 1988 covers. (Which is nice, because Elle is sadly absent from the “Legends” photoshoot.)

The second bikini is the same design as Nina’s from the book jacket, and judging by where the covers fall, it MIGHT just be the exact same bikini. (And one that I’d consider bidding on if it ever appeared on eBay.)

And finally, there’s a sweet one-piece version.

Topless Tuesday: Heidi Klum, 2014

Heidi comes back for one more shoot, this time decked out in 50th-anniversary gold.

Lily Aldridge Is Downright Acrobatic with a Bikini Bottom

Thumb hooks?

Yeah, she can do thumb hooks. But that’s amateur stuff.

How about the Extreme Thumb Hook?

The Borat?

The Reverse Wedgie?

The Inverted Moon?

The "Look Ma, No Hands"?

Girl's a pro.

Ariel and Areolae

So I’ve been making my way through the bikini avalanche, and I think 2014 is an excellent issue. There’s definitely less obnoxious Photoshopping involved. To demonstrate, I turn—as I so often do—to Ariel Meredith’s butt.

On the left is a shot from 2013. On the right is one from this year.

The difference is apparent. Last year’s butt has been rendered smooth and plastic, like a mannequin’s. But this year, there are goosebumps, textures, signs that this is actual human skin.

This is true throughout the issue. There’s more creasing and puckering in the skin, more color variation in the faces, even signs of the thin, light hair that covers a normal human body. The overall effect is apparent—SI has made an effort to veer away from Uncanny Valley, and it’s great to see.

Also, check out Natasha:

I suppose since they have literal Barbie photos in this issue, the irony became too unwieldy. No more disconcerting nipple-lessness.

Kate Upton, We Await Your Orders

I think this one-piece shot is pretty wonderful.

(Scan from Bellazon)

And there’s a nice little write-up of her zero-gravity shoot on io9, of all places.

Fittingly, this is Kate's 50th post on this blog.

Gigi Hadid Is Freaking Adorable

That's about all the coherent language I have at the moment.

My chest is awash in the glow that comes when you submerge yourself in a sea of beautiful women.

The issue is live online, and the interface is pretty intense. I think the theme is "What Pinterest Will Look Like in Five Years"; a lot of bells and whistles, animation, pop-up captions, etc.

But the photos look great.

A dozen vets vs. a dozen rookies, and a quick scan of the photos is very promising.

Seems there's a lot more variety than in recent years with regards to angles, proportions, etc of the models and where they are in the frames.

It also seems like the Photoshopping may have been tamped down a little, which is good news for everyone.

I've glanced at some zero-gravity photos and video of Kate, and even that looks like a more successful experiment than I feared.

And I can already see a beautiful array of sweet one-piece suits, which is wonderful news for me.

Enjoy. In the meantime, happy Topless Tuesday from Gigi.

As You've Heard, Nina Got the Cover

...of Editorialist magazine.

 

 

Chanel No. 12

And the dozenth rookie is revealed to be one Chanel Iman.

Another girl who I know by name but not sight or reputation. But I think she's lovely, and I look forward to more.

I am going to have a hard time remembering all twelve rookies' names. (Last year there were a third as many, and it seems there's always one name—Natasha, Hannah, Kate, or Emily—that I don't have at my fingertips.)

But, not a bad problem to have. Bring on the onslaught!

SI Swim Makes Kelly’s Onion Cartoon

This is, of course, a parody of an editorial cartoon, so a satire-of-a-satire type of thing.

I know this may be easier said than done, but women—if you’re looking to the swimsuit issue for guidance on what to look like, don’t. Not even the models themselves look like that.

And guys, understand this: The swimsuit issue isn’t real, not in the slightest (despite what the girls themselves may say).

I think the healthiest way to look at the swimsuit issue (and, I suppose, any kind of pinup material) is as an exaggerated, cartoony version of sexuality for fantasy purposes only. It makes zero sense to criticize other people (or yourself) for not resembling it.

In any case, we’ll have a whole mess of stimulus soon, as I imagine the full online avalanche of photos will go live at midnight.

• • •

In any case, a 2014 teaser video just dropped.

Pearl Watching

Just now found this feature Julie Henderson apparently did for Vanity Fair UK last August. It’s a very pretty swimsuit-and-jewelry spread called “Girl with a Pearl Everything.”

I started wondering if we’ll see Julie in the 2014 swimsuit issue. There hasn’t been much buzz about her, and I don’t recall seeing any trace of her in any preview material. (I only got through the first couple commercial breaks of the massively corny TV special a couple weeks ago.)

Sure hope there’s more of her! We'll find out in a day or two.

Cover Coverage

I’ve had some time to digest the cover. I’ve decided I like it.

It’s joyful and silly, which might be just the right move. I expected the 50th anniversary to be monumental, something big that would try to top last year’s “seven continents” theme and first-ever trip to Antarctica.

Then the rumors started trickling in. The amassing of past cover models, the zero-gravity Kate Upton experiment, the twelve rookies, the Barbie tie-in—it sounded like SI was racking their brains trying to come up with some “event,” some marble pillar of publishing history.

But then the cover was revealed, and it was just three smiling topless girls, knee-deep in water, showing off their butts. Caressing each other like kittens. Pretty care-free. The first cover for all three models.

I loved the Antarctica shoot. As I mentioned at the time, I was worried about the gimmick, but I thought it ended up yielding some pretty stellar, iconic shots. But this year, I feel like SI said “Screw it, let’s just make this fun.”

Now, I think it could have been more of a nod to the anniversary. Giving Kate a three-peat and setting her alongside Christie and Elle would have been historic. Giving Anne the cover to celebrate her tenth consecutive year (10 out of 51—that’s almost 20% of all swimsuit issues!) would also have been good. Or, considering the captions at the bottom say PAST, PRESENT, and FUTURE, maybe the threesome could have been one of the veterans (past), Kate (present), and a rookie (future) to tie into that theme.

But at the end of the day, what is this magazine? It’s a bunch of photos of pretty girls in bathing suits.

Better to display some asses than to stick your head up them.

h/t to user “alluringbeauties” over at Bellazon for the vidcaps.

Happy Valentine's Day, By The Way

Enjoy some smooches from Jessica Gomes.

And Emily DiDonato has a sexy little message on today's "Legendary Locations" entry. Since she's one of the models who posed in Namibia last year, she assures us:

"Boys, I won't tell your girlfriends if you won't." (wink)

"Happy Valentine's Day."

From Heinies to Heinen

Bregje Heinen is the latest rookie!

I know nothing of her except what's on her Swim Daily bio. She looks a touch more fashion-y than swimsuit-y to me, but I'll devour her photos when they arrive on Tuesday!

CYA

Well, this is about the last thing I expected.

The rumors of covers featuring Kate in space or another mass gathering of ex-covergirls were red herrings. My money was on a Kate three-peat, but I guess SI has a couple surprises left!

As an ass man, I must say, I enjoy this one. Only 1974 and 2004 have had such butt-centric covers. (Maybe there's something about years ending in four?)

And chalk up another very topless cover.

In any case, let the debates begin!

Crismas Comes Early

Latest rookie: Cris Urena.

Very pretty, lovely body. Welcome Cris!

I'll Take One of Those Oxygen Masks Now

By now, you've seen the Air New Zealand safety video featuring Ariel, Hannah, Jessica, Chrissy, and Christie.

I thought I'd rummage through my brain and post a couple more shots of models with planes. I'm sure there are more.

 

One-Piece Wednesday: Yvonne and Yvette Sylvander, 1976