Who Is SI Suited For?

For decades, the swimsuit issue was aimed specifically at straight guys. It’s just a fact.

Exhibit A

I know other audiences paid attention to it, even enjoyed it. Women with an eye on beach fashion, perhaps. Photographers looking at style and technique. Amateur models dreaming of gracing its pages one day.

I wonder what ever happened to Jennifer Sundquist?

Plus, I think there’s just something universal about a beautiful woman. Seems like everyone — straight, gay, male, female — just kinda gets enthralled by bikini ladies to some extent, in a way that just doesn’t happen with the male physique.

“The female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It’s for gettin’ around, like a jeep.”

—Elaine Benes

Jeannine Amber wrote an article to accompany Tyra’s magnificent 2019 return to SI. It relates a story from an early downturn in Tyra’s career, when she was getting too curvy for high fashion, and her mom told her to write down the names of companies who like “ass.”

Soon, Tyra was on the cover of SI, described in the piece as “one of the most prominent arbiters of male heterosexual desirability in America.”

So yeah, it was for straight dudes. That’s canon.

Exhibit Ass

But lately SI has tried to expand, or even redefine, its audience. There’s the kinda-maybe-misguided “In Her Own Words” spread from a couple years ago, and the recent focus on varying the ages and body types that appear. The message seems to be less “Here’s what men find attractive” and more “Here’s an uplifting look at what attractive can be!”

But beyond that, there’s something that’s been sneaking into Swim Daily lately. Fashion tips aimed squarely at women.

No titillation at all, just a “Hey ladies, check out these tips for a swell lady lifestyle.”

It’s like they really think women will look to SI Swim like they’d look to Allure or Glamour. I honestly have no idea how likely that is, but maybe they’re snagging the aforementioned young fashion buffs and model hopefuls who happen to be there.

Compare that to the downright porny titles they gave their YouTube videos a couple years ago. “Barbara Palvin Feels Herself” and “Gigi Hadid Takes You To Her Wet, Tahitian Paradise” and “Kate Bock Takes You To Her ‘Magical Place’” and “Kate Upton Invites You To Explore Her Aruba Paradise” and “Brooklyn Decker Shows Off Her Dirty, Naughty Secret In Virgin Islands.”

They sound like they were pieced together by SEO sexbots. Clearly not aimed at women in need of skin lotion. (Maybe at MEN in need of skin lotion…)

It seems like the swimsuit issue is trying hard to find its angle. They veered raunchy, decided that wasn’t quite right, then they veered soft/inviting/celebratory and are seeing how that goes.

Never thought pretty ladies in bikinis would end up being a tough sell, but here we are. It’s an age of custom-tailored titillation at your fingertips, the death of print, and the rise of inclusivity, so maybe the age of Babette has ended.

Hazmat — Will Travel

Naomi Campbell went all out trying to protect herself during a recent flight.

Here she is in a more flattering outfit.

But please heed this PSA brought to you by the ladies of the 2009 swimsuit issue:

Don’t.

Touch.

Your.

Face. 

(Especially on the MTA, Damaris!)

Anyway, the 2020 issue is taking shape, and maybe it will provide a nice respite from the nationwide quarantine in a couple months. Watch this space.

Hailey New Year

I just got my desk calendar/planner/diary or whatever for 2019.

Hailey Clauson is on the cover a second year in a row, making her the fifth girl to have a desk calendar cover-repeat, after Heidi Klum (1999/2000), Marisa Miller (2007/2008/2009), Brooklyn Decker (2010/2011), and Lily Aldridge (2015/2016). I think that list establishes Hailey as one of the elites.

She’s in a polka-dot bikini this year, ending a two-year streak of one-piecers (Hannah Davis wore one in 2017). Before that, there was a 17-year gap between Heidi Klum’s 1999 cover and Hannah’s. Bikinis, it seems, still reign.

I’ve expanded my collection of every desk calendar SI swimsuit has published, bringing the total to 30.

THREE DECADES. I’ve been a fan for a long time.

A few years ago (SEVEN ACTUALLY), I bridged the gap between generations of models by opening some of the earlier calendars to the birthdates of the more recent models. It was a fun and instantly aging thing to do. (Sailor Brinkley Cook, who I believe is the youngest SI swimsuit model currently in existence, was 13 and a half when I posted it.)

Good to have you, Sailor.

As I predicted, there are a lot more girls to do that with today than there were back in 2012. I thought I’d take the next few days to update the list.

And to feel so, so old.

Grand Swimsuitification Theory

A few years ago, I extolled the virtues of Ashley Richardson’s extroversion, linking her with 40 other swimsuit models through SI’s multiple-girl shoots.

There’s another rich vein of connected models, but unfortunately it is mutually exclusive from Ashley’s.

You may remember Julie Henderson’s rookie year, in which she posed with Jessica White on the football field.

Julie also appears in this 3D video with Irina Shayk and Alyssa Miller.

And she pops up in this lovely black and white photo with Brooklyn Decker. The shot doesn’t appear in SI (and in fact there’s no swimsuit to be seen in the photo). But I found it on Walter Iooss’s website, and I can’t think of any other campaign those three people have all been part of, so I’m going to count it as an SI-adjacent photo.

Brooklyn, of course, is good friends with Chrissy Teigen, and this behind-the-scenes photo of the two of them is from an SI shoot.

And Chrissy’s cover provided a nice threesome with Lily Aldridge and Nina Agdal.

Nina disguised herself as Valeria Mazza alongside a Tyra Banks-ified Ariel Meredith.

Ariel took her Route 66 road trip with Ashley Smith, Hannah Ferguson, and Sara Sampaio.

And of course Sara’s rookie year paired her up with fellow rookie Gigi Hadid.

So we have a string of 13 girls. I wish there was a way to connect this group with Ashley Richardson’s group, but for now they remain mutually exclusive.

I could EASILY link them — and add lots more models — if I counted this “Legends” group photo. However, despite the bared midriffs and heaved cleavage, I consider these models to be fully clothed, so in my heart I must leave them apart.

(I also strongly suspect that not all the Legends are actually in the same shot. Kathy in particular looks Photoshopped in.)

All About That Face

The swimsuit issue is undeniably body-focused. But every once in a while, a photo appears that’s entirely focused on the model’s beautiful face.

Heel Thyself

A few years ago, I pointed out that the ideal male fantasy was Yamila Diaz in a bikini, surrounded by beer and barbecue.

Oddly, I left out one detail. She’s wearing heels.

A gorgeous girl wearing nothing but a bikini and heels. Is there a more perfect symbol of feminine sexuality?