Topless Tuesday: Irina Shayk, 2015

Underboob Monday: Irina Shayk, 2014

I think the swimsuit issue comes out tomorrow. No?

Like last year, there hasn't been much hubbub, though they have been revealing a few models per weekday.

Halima is back.

Like last year, she looks beautiful. Also like last year, I'm not sure what to do with my eyes. Ogling feels out of place.

Though I guess she makes more sense when you see the magazine as the uncomfortable hybrid it's become: girlie mag for men, lifestyle mag for women.

Anyway, here's Irina.

Before the release takes all my attention, I thought I'd make sure Irina Shayk was nicely tied up with Kate Upton. With this post, they are at 73 appearances each, according to that menu to the right.

Surfboard Addendum

By the way, once upon a time Quiksilver created surfboards with SI models printed directly on them. No idea if they were ever available for the everyday beach bum.

I’m sure there’s a “perfect 10”/“hang 10” pun to be made here. I leave it to you to complete it.

The Decade, from Cover to Cover

These are my favorite five covers of this blog’s ten-year history.

#5: 2014 (Nina, Lily, Chrissy)

One of only five multi-girl covers in SI’s history.

When it was revealed, I liked how silly it was. It was the 50th anniversary, and a lot of gimmicks were in play. But they landed on the sweet simplicity of three smiling, topless girls. I also think it’s fun and sexy that they’re touching each other’s butts. Can’t lie.

• • •

#4: 2017 (Kate)

Counting the three “collector’s covers” from 2017, Kate was on five covers this past decade. This was her best one.

Her first cover was criticized from all directions, including one fashion observer deeming it a “catastrophe.” (I disagree, but not THAT strongly.)

This one is interesting because, as one Twitter user pointed out, across three covers she is only wearing half of one swimsuit. That half is the cute little white bottom pictured here. (The rest of the “swimsuits” are vests, macramé, and a collection of necklaces.)

Extra cover trivia: It's Kate's second sleeved cover.

Her face is washed out, a victim of over-retouching I guess. But it’s a very nice survey of her body.

• • •

#3: 2011 (Irina)

A couple weeks after this cover was revealed, I ranked it #8 on my list of all the covers. It holds up, even with the mannequin-ish edge to her face. A great bikini (which was featured in a lot of Hawaii shots that year) on a great body. Those breasts truly earn their place of honor on this cover.

• • •

#2: 2018 (Danielle)

Considering I didn’t expect her to make a return after her 2017 rookie year, she gave us a pretty wonderful cover. The kinetic splashes around her adorable posterior make this a fun, care-free photo. It feels like a throwback to the 80s shots of my youth.

• • •

#1: 2016 (Hailey)

One of my favorite models of the last decade gets a fun, beachy cover. A smiling, topless blonde in the surf. Very classic. You can almost smell the sunscreen.

Butt Appreciation Day 2020: The Grable

There’s something specially sexy about the Grable pose.

Her back is to you. But she’s looking over her shoulder at you and smiling.

The only logical interpretation of this illogical pose is that she is happily inviting you to stare at her butt. She just like, “Have at it.” There’s no faux candidness, like you’ve stumbled upon her while she’s luxuriating in nature. There’s no sultry glares, like she’s engaged in the deadly serious business of titillation. Just a fun “Oh you like cute butts? Enjoy!”

Three components of the Grable:

Stand.

Glance over the shoulder.

Smile.

Grand Swimsuitification Theory

A few years ago, I extolled the virtues of Ashley Richardson’s extroversion, linking her with 40 other swimsuit models through SI’s multiple-girl shoots.

There’s another rich vein of connected models, but unfortunately it is mutually exclusive from Ashley’s.

You may remember Julie Henderson’s rookie year, in which she posed with Jessica White on the football field.

Julie also appears in this 3D video with Irina Shayk and Alyssa Miller.

And she pops up in this lovely black and white photo with Brooklyn Decker. The shot doesn’t appear in SI (and in fact there’s no swimsuit to be seen in the photo). But I found it on Walter Iooss’s website, and I can’t think of any other campaign those three people have all been part of, so I’m going to count it as an SI-adjacent photo.

Brooklyn, of course, is good friends with Chrissy Teigen, and this behind-the-scenes photo of the two of them is from an SI shoot.

And Chrissy’s cover provided a nice threesome with Lily Aldridge and Nina Agdal.

Nina disguised herself as Valeria Mazza alongside a Tyra Banks-ified Ariel Meredith.

Ariel took her Route 66 road trip with Ashley Smith, Hannah Ferguson, and Sara Sampaio.

And of course Sara’s rookie year paired her up with fellow rookie Gigi Hadid.

So we have a string of 13 girls. I wish there was a way to connect this group with Ashley Richardson’s group, but for now they remain mutually exclusive.

I could EASILY link them — and add lots more models — if I counted this “Legends” group photo. However, despite the bared midriffs and heaved cleavage, I consider these models to be fully clothed, so in my heart I must leave them apart.

(I also strongly suspect that not all the Legends are actually in the same shot. Kathy in particular looks Photoshopped in.)

Turning Back the Pages

This is old news, but here’s Paulina Porizkova wearing nothing but a bikini bottom and a book.

She shared it on her Instagram to endorse the mind-enriching act of reading and also to show off her 52-year-old body.

If she were to pull a Christie Brinkley and pop back into a swimsuit for a few shots with SI, I’d be in favor of that.

She also recently posted this German Vogue cover of Gigi Hadid wearing some sort of jumpsuit festooned with retro Vogue covers.

Paulina’s cover from September of 1986 appears twice on Gigi’s right.

And hey, here’s another Playboy! August of 1987 brought us Paulina in a foldout cover with the bunny hidden in her hair under her left triceps.

• • •

Speaking of 80s throwbacks, here’s a preview video of the 2018 swimsuit issue.

I see neon colors, check patterns, and sky-high-cut bikini bottoms. The 80s are back.

Barbara Palvin

Hailey Clauson

Chase Carter

Hailey Clauson

Robin Holzken

And SI can’t seem to stop dressing up their models as previous models. Here are some of the “final 15” from their open casting call, gathered at Miami Swim Week, whatever that was. Most or all of them seem to be wearing bikinis we first saw on other models in previous issues.

Left to right, this is Olivia Jordan, Kate de Paz, Stefanie Rachel, Keyeriah Miles, Kayla Fitzgerald, and Dessie Mitcheson.

Olivia is wearing Marisa Miller’s suit from the 2008 cover.

Kate’s bikini is similar, though not identical, to Myla Dalbesio’s from last year.

Keyeriah is clearly invoking Irina Shayk from 2011.

And Dessie is dressed as Hannah Davis from 2015.

If Stefanie’s and Kayla’s are from other years, I haven’t been able to place them. They both look like the kind of candy-colored bikinis we saw on Alyssa Miller from 2011, but I have nothing conclusive.

Anyway, we’re getting closer! I’m looking forward to it, but in kind of a mild, matter-of-fact way. I’m hoping to get more excited as time goes on.

NSFW NYFW

Okay, so now they’re just trolling me, right?

Irina Shayk (and a few other SI models) marched down the runway during New York Fashion Week for something called Phillipp Plein. The theme, apparently, was fetishy Disney.

Nice (shirt? minidress?), Irina. Can we zoom in on the design?

Yep, that seems to be the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio, poised to lengthen certain wooden appendages—I apologize, this is a filthy joke, I’ll stop.

In any case, someone somewhere must have been wishing on a star.

[UPDATE, in case anyone cares... The illustration I found, above, is the Blue Fairy. But the Disney damsel on Irina's shirt looks to be Cinderella. Clearly the same illustrator.]

• • •
In other news, I’ve gotten a few posts taken down from this blog, all featuring Kathy Ireland.

I received notifications from Blogger that someone representing Kathy filed complaints of violations of her copyright. The first one was back in June, then I got a couple more about a week ago.

It seems odd to me. I can’t imagine Kathy Ireland, as opposed to SI, owns the copyright on those images. But whoever DOES own those images, it ain’t me. I’m just borrowing them.

Anyway, I’m complying. I won’t even include another pic of her for illustration, as tempting as it may be.

In Memoriam

Farewell to the seven non-rookies who did not return for 2017.

Erin Heatherton

Only two years from a pretty well established model. I’d have loved to see more of her, though I might have been the only person to enjoy last year’s offerings.

• • •

Kelly Rohrbach

I really liked Kelly. I tend to find pet obsessions (Julie Henderson, Kenza Fourati) that are a little out of the norm, although Kelly did win Rookie of the Year for what that’s worth. (This is the second straight year that a RoTY put in only one post-rookie appearance and vanished. Sara Sampaio did it too.)

• • •

Chanel Iman

Beautiful. I think her first year was her best, but I will miss the dreamy eyes and slender bod. By the way, did you know she was in a Kinect video game where she helps you become a celebrity or something?

• • •

Gigi Hadid

I have this odd feeling that she’s been a part of the swimsuit issue for longer than three years. She somehow has the feel of a staple. I thought she brought a great adorable blondeness to the proceedings, and I’m kind of surprised she’s gone already.

(And I guess we should probably stop holding out for a sisters feature.)

• • •

Lily Aldridge

Lily completely seduced me in her first appearance. She’s breathtakingly beautiful and seems like a sweet person in the interviews I’ve seen. I think she’ll always be one of my SI crushes.

• • •

Emily DiDonato

I’ll miss her. Captivating and eerily beautiful. Aside from having a too-short four-year stint in the swimsuit issue, she also had a weird 2015 that failed to key into her natural allure. I hope to see her around in other places. I’m not ready to give her up yet.

• • •

Irina Shayk

And what else can be said about Irina Shayk? Another Russian who spanned a decade, much like Anne V a couple years ago. She was part of the issue so often I kind of took her for granted. But I think she managed to get even hotter as the years went by. She certainly didn’t lose a step. She’s a hall-of-famer.

• • •

With Irina gone, Chrissy Teigen is the last girl who predates my blog. I made my first post in 2010, a few months after the issue that included Chrissy as a rookie and Irina in what was already her fourth appearance, along with these famous and less-famous names: Anne V, Bar Refaeli, Brooklyn Decker, Cintia Dicker, Damaris Lewis, Daniella Sarahyba, Dominique Piek, Esti Ginzburg, Genevieve Morton, Hilary Rhoda, Jessica Gomes, Jessica White, Julie Henderson, Julie Ordon, Sonia Dara, Zoe Duchesne.

You did it, Chrissy. Whatever pool you girls had going, you can collect it now.