In the Palm of Your Sand

Like all red-blooded American males, I look to the swimsuit issue for one thing: tips on using coconut oil in my day-to-day life. Swim Daily came through with recommended products for hair care, skin care, and, um, lube.

So let us celebrate that most platonic ideal of tropical fruit, the coconut, which obviously makes several appearances in our favorite magazine. In fact, I bet there are lots more examples I’ve missed.

And just for the obligatory “Put the Lime in the Coconut” reference…

The Decade, from Cover to Cover

These are my favorite five covers of this blog’s ten-year history.

#5: 2014 (Nina, Lily, Chrissy)

One of only five multi-girl covers in SI’s history.

When it was revealed, I liked how silly it was. It was the 50th anniversary, and a lot of gimmicks were in play. But they landed on the sweet simplicity of three smiling, topless girls. I also think it’s fun and sexy that they’re touching each other’s butts. Can’t lie.

• • •

#4: 2017 (Kate)

Counting the three “collector’s covers” from 2017, Kate was on five covers this past decade. This was her best one.

Her first cover was criticized from all directions, including one fashion observer deeming it a “catastrophe.” (I disagree, but not THAT strongly.)

This one is interesting because, as one Twitter user pointed out, across three covers she is only wearing half of one swimsuit. That half is the cute little white bottom pictured here. (The rest of the “swimsuits” are vests, macramé, and a collection of necklaces.)

Extra cover trivia: It's Kate's second sleeved cover.

Her face is washed out, a victim of over-retouching I guess. But it’s a very nice survey of her body.

• • •

#3: 2011 (Irina)

A couple weeks after this cover was revealed, I ranked it #8 on my list of all the covers. It holds up, even with the mannequin-ish edge to her face. A great bikini (which was featured in a lot of Hawaii shots that year) on a great body. Those breasts truly earn their place of honor on this cover.

• • •

#2: 2018 (Danielle)

Considering I didn’t expect her to make a return after her 2017 rookie year, she gave us a pretty wonderful cover. The kinetic splashes around her adorable posterior make this a fun, care-free photo. It feels like a throwback to the 80s shots of my youth.

• • •

#1: 2016 (Hailey)

One of my favorite models of the last decade gets a fun, beachy cover. A smiling, topless blonde in the surf. Very classic. You can almost smell the sunscreen.

Chrissy Teigen Pulls Her Boobs Out

Like, literally. She’s getting her implants removed.

So let’s give them a fond send-off!

This’ll Put Hair on Your Chest

The kids call it a “hair bra,” and I thought we could enjoy a tonsorial Topless Tuesday.

ROTY Revisited: 2010, 2011

Given her mysterious absence, maybe Alexis Ren should not have gotten 2018 Rookie of the Year.

For that matter, how good have SI’s choices been in the (apparently) nine years they’ve bestowed that title?

2010: Who won?
Chrissy Teigen.

Who should have won?
It’s hard to argue with Chrissy Teigen. She had longevity (8 years) and went on to become a celebrity in her own right. She’s a rare SI model who’s become a household name outside of the SI swimsuit superfan world. She embraced and enhanced the SI brand.

Genevieve Morton might be my runner-up.

She had 6 years of her own, and she seemed to love being swimsuited (and naked).

• • •

2011: Who won?
Kate Upton.

Who should have won?
Kate Upton. Obviously.

For sheer star-power and sex appeal, Kate Upton is a no-brainer. Chrissy has her fingers in a lot of pies (Twitter/cooking/celeb marriage), but Kate’s the last SI model who (I believe) has reached her fame specifically as an SI model.

Runner-up? Well, I have my weak spot for Kenza Fourati.

But Kate Upton is a no-brainer.


So, after the better part of a decade has gone by, we see that the first couple years of ROTY selection were batting a thousand. Will that streak continue?

Free-Hip Friday: Chrissy Teigen, 2014

Topless Tuesday: Chrissy, Lily, Nina, 2014

Chrissy had a bit of an umbrella mishap last night.

So she's this week's Topless Tuesday model, along with a couple friends to make her feel better.

Hope you feel better, Chrissy.

Grand Swimsuitification Theory

A few years ago, I extolled the virtues of Ashley Richardson’s extroversion, linking her with 40 other swimsuit models through SI’s multiple-girl shoots.

There’s another rich vein of connected models, but unfortunately it is mutually exclusive from Ashley’s.

You may remember Julie Henderson’s rookie year, in which she posed with Jessica White on the football field.

Julie also appears in this 3D video with Irina Shayk and Alyssa Miller.

And she pops up in this lovely black and white photo with Brooklyn Decker. The shot doesn’t appear in SI (and in fact there’s no swimsuit to be seen in the photo). But I found it on Walter Iooss’s website, and I can’t think of any other campaign those three people have all been part of, so I’m going to count it as an SI-adjacent photo.

Brooklyn, of course, is good friends with Chrissy Teigen, and this behind-the-scenes photo of the two of them is from an SI shoot.

And Chrissy’s cover provided a nice threesome with Lily Aldridge and Nina Agdal.

Nina disguised herself as Valeria Mazza alongside a Tyra Banks-ified Ariel Meredith.

Ariel took her Route 66 road trip with Ashley Smith, Hannah Ferguson, and Sara Sampaio.

And of course Sara’s rookie year paired her up with fellow rookie Gigi Hadid.

So we have a string of 13 girls. I wish there was a way to connect this group with Ashley Richardson’s group, but for now they remain mutually exclusive.

I could EASILY link them — and add lots more models — if I counted this “Legends” group photo. However, despite the bared midriffs and heaved cleavage, I consider these models to be fully clothed, so in my heart I must leave them apart.

(I also strongly suspect that not all the Legends are actually in the same shot. Kathy in particular looks Photoshopped in.)

In Memoriam

I’m planning a lawsuit against Sports Illustrated.

A few months ago, I mapped out my ideal 2018 swimsuit issue. It included eight 2017 models I’d have loved to see come back.

SI got rid of three of them.

It’s very tough to lose Bo Krsmanovic, Hannah Ferguson, and Rose Bertram. I feel like there must be intolerable cruelty or breach of contract or some legal concept I can use to get those girls back.

Anyway, let’s survey the damage.

Bo Krsmanovic

I could have seen Bojana come back over and over again for years. This dark, Serbian beauty had a lot more swimsuit in her.

• • •

Rose Bertram

I’m even more torn up by the loss of this cute, bubbly, buxom young woman.

• • •

Hannah Ferguson

And the centerpiece. Hannah F was a sleek, blonde bombshell, and I can’t believe she’s gone.

• • •

Hannah Davis

Hannah D (or Hannah J if you prefer) was a staple and will be missed. Though as I’ve mentioned before, I think we have a good replacement in Chase Carter.

• • •

Nina Agdal

It was a respectable run for Nina! Six years. Looking at her photos, it’s clear how the Photoshop waxed and waned. (Look how Vaseline-smeared her 2013 shot is.)

• • •

Chrissy Teigen

And this is the end of an era. Chrissy was the last remaining model who was active when this blog had its first post on June 1, 2010. The turnover is complete