Two-Pièce de Résistance: Kate Upton, 2013

I think Antarctica is the best shoot Kate gave us.

Photo: Derek Kettela

The hair, the pose, the gaze, the cushions — this photo is pure, glorious cheesecake.

Against a backdrop of icy blue and white and black, Kate is a splash of warmth, an inviting contrast to the foreboding landscape. She inspires thoughts of intimacy — why are you and Kate on this boat at the bottom of the world?

The wispy fur bikini is a nice touch. It’s a parody of warm clothing. It’s in line with the fun visual irony of pinups, like a girl at a construction site wearing jeans shorts and a bikini top — and a safety helmet. Or a lady in a kitchen wearing nothing but an apron. The “fur” is environment-appropriate, but only a prop that emphasizes how little she’s actually wearing.

For me, Kate’s 2013 appearance earned her a place in the Pantheon of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models.

Twenty-Twenty, Won

Tanaye White and Kathy Jacobs are the newly minted rookies for 2021, meaning I didn’t get my wish.

However, Tanaye was one of the girls I was rooting for in last year’s model search, so let’s consider it a delayed victory.

In fact, here’s a fun photo. Two future model search winners, Class of 2020 and Class of 2021, in their black-bikini’d glory.

Tanaye seems to have slimmed down and muscled up a bit since her 2019 model search photos, which is a bit of a shame. But that magnificent sphere of hair is new too, and I very much enjoy that.

Kathy is good looking. Pretty amazing body, regardless of her age.

This is a tired complaint I keep making, but we’ve discarded so many wonderful models after one year, or two years, or even zero years if they’re not selected from their model searches. Chase Carter, for example, grabbed me immediately, so that years later I’m still pining after what might have been. 

None of this year’s candidates grabbed me like that.

The thing is, I don’t think they’re supposed to anymore. There’s clearly been a shift in what the swimsuit issue is trying to be.

Five years ago, in a post that touched on (then-)potential rookies Robin Lawley, Ashley Graham, and Marquita Pring, I wrote “I don’t think SI necessarily has a responsibility to change standards of beauty (they’re more in the business of harnessing those standards for profit).”

But now they seem to have taken up the cause of changing those standards of beauty. Trying to nudge the Overton window a bit.

As Tyra Banks said in this Fashionista article:
“Of course, it's male gaze. Duh. … But, it's not just that and so what I love about what's happening now is the woman looking at the swimsuit issue can see all of these different myriads of beauty that can possibly reflect her. … And the man can look at it and see not just what he was trained to like [by society], but go, 'why am I tingling when I'm looking at this photo of Hunter [McGrady] or Tara Lynn?' It's digging deep into what he truly is attracted to, but hasn't been trained to like."

And part of me, let’s call it my superego, thinks that’s good. I’m in favor of inclusivity, I’m in favor of opening up the standards of beauty so people don’t feel ostracized or inferior.

But there’s another part of me, let’s call it my id, that says “Why can’t the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue be the realm of impossibly beautiful women? That’s what the swimsuit issue is for. We all know it’s for fantasy purposes only. Fill it with Sara Sampaios and Chase Carters and Rose Bertrams and Raven Lyns and all the other girls we didn’t get enough of.”

I want my little island of unrealistic hotness.

MJ Day said in this Bustle interview:
"Kate [Upton], when she was on her first cover [in 2012] — people straight up called her fat. With this issue, people are coming after SI saying, 'Oh you're all about body diversity, but why is Kate Upton on the cover again?'" Day says. "I love that, because you know what that means? It means we have come so far in just five years."

This is a little different from my memory of Kate Upton’s arrival on the scene. I do remember people from the fashion world voicing the opinion that Kate wasn’t thin enough for their shows. But the red-blooded American hetero men of the world, the magazine’s ostensible audience? They immediately hailed her as their new bikini queen. I mean, it was unanimous. Everybody loved Kate.

Her Highness.

I’m not sure Kate Upton was really a swimsuit issue trailblazer. Robyn Lawley, introduced in 2015, was a significant step, though I felt that she had a very Ashley Richardson body. 

 

Ashley Graham, 2016 — she was an iconoclast.

Anyway, I’m torn. I don’t want to be one of those “OH NO THE SJWS ARE TRYING TO MAKE BONERS ILLEGAL” idiots. But I do kind of miss the yearly injection of plain-old message-free hotness.

The “good clean dirty fun” of the swimsuit issue was what inspired this blog in the first place. There was something retro about it, not just as a throwback to earlier years of the swimsuit issue, but as a throwback to pinups in general, on teens’ bedroom walls and WWII fighter planes. Maybe I liked that it was something we as a society were “getting away with” to some extent, kind of a naughty alcove of old-fashioned cheesecake, with its smiles and sand and cleavage peeks.

Underboob Monday: Scissor Sisters

I wish I had a photo of this top in the process of being snipped ...

... so I could make a triptych with these other two t-shirts getting cut down to size.

But as far as I know, that action shot doesn't exist. So here's Kate Upton in Esquire from 7 years ago.

Surfboard Addendum

By the way, once upon a time Quiksilver created surfboards with SI models printed directly on them. No idea if they were ever available for the everyday beach bum.

I’m sure there’s a “perfect 10”/“hang 10” pun to be made here. I leave it to you to complete it.

The Decade, from Cover to Cover

These are my favorite five covers of this blog’s ten-year history.

#5: 2014 (Nina, Lily, Chrissy)

One of only five multi-girl covers in SI’s history.

When it was revealed, I liked how silly it was. It was the 50th anniversary, and a lot of gimmicks were in play. But they landed on the sweet simplicity of three smiling, topless girls. I also think it’s fun and sexy that they’re touching each other’s butts. Can’t lie.

• • •

#4: 2017 (Kate)

Counting the three “collector’s covers” from 2017, Kate was on five covers this past decade. This was her best one.

Her first cover was criticized from all directions, including one fashion observer deeming it a “catastrophe.” (I disagree, but not THAT strongly.)

This one is interesting because, as one Twitter user pointed out, across three covers she is only wearing half of one swimsuit. That half is the cute little white bottom pictured here. (The rest of the “swimsuits” are vests, macramé, and a collection of necklaces.)

Extra cover trivia: It's Kate's second sleeved cover.

Her face is washed out, a victim of over-retouching I guess. But it’s a very nice survey of her body.

• • •

#3: 2011 (Irina)

A couple weeks after this cover was revealed, I ranked it #8 on my list of all the covers. It holds up, even with the mannequin-ish edge to her face. A great bikini (which was featured in a lot of Hawaii shots that year) on a great body. Those breasts truly earn their place of honor on this cover.

• • •

#2: 2018 (Danielle)

Considering I didn’t expect her to make a return after her 2017 rookie year, she gave us a pretty wonderful cover. The kinetic splashes around her adorable posterior make this a fun, care-free photo. It feels like a throwback to the 80s shots of my youth.

• • •

#1: 2016 (Hailey)

One of my favorite models of the last decade gets a fun, beachy cover. A smiling, topless blonde in the surf. Very classic. You can almost smell the sunscreen.

Decadence

So it’s June 1, 2020. Obviously, there’s a lot going on today. But.

Ten years ago today, I put fingers to keyboard and started broadcasting my weird little thoughts and observations about the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

A surprising amount of stuff has happened to the issue since then.

The 50th Anniversary. The return of nipples. Recreations of historic shoots.

The foray into social issues. The widening of beauty standards for size, age, and amount of exposed skin. The shift to a kind of half-girlie-magazine, half-women’s-magazine.

The returns of many glorious veterans. The first second-generation model. The unveiling of a superstar.

SI Swim’s increase in social media, from boobcam tweets to an entire SI-hosted blog. A VR app. Live conventions.

A leaked cover. Three triple-covers. The pushing back of the release date from February to May to July.

Through it all, I’ve discovered I’m not the only historian with a deep affinity for this quaint, outdated slice of American cheesecake. There are maybe five or six of us.

I’ve enjoyed having a place to share my love for this magazine, and to share my frustrations as well.

At one point, my plan was to review the 2020 issue, whether it came out in February or May, then maybe shut the blog down (again) on June 1. But the schedule didn’t cooperate with that plan. I definitely want to see what 2020 is going to be like.

After that, who knows? The first time I ended this blog, after five years, was five years ago. And I just can’t seem to quit the swimsuit issue.

Butt Appreciation Day 2020: The Grable

There’s something specially sexy about the Grable pose.

Her back is to you. But she’s looking over her shoulder at you and smiling.

The only logical interpretation of this illogical pose is that she is happily inviting you to stare at her butt. She just like, “Have at it.” There’s no faux candidness, like you’ve stumbled upon her while she’s luxuriating in nature. There’s no sultry glares, like she’s engaged in the deadly serious business of titillation. Just a fun “Oh you like cute butts? Enjoy!”

Three components of the Grable:

Stand.

Glance over the shoulder.

Smile.

ROTY Revisited: 2010, 2011

Given her mysterious absence, maybe Alexis Ren should not have gotten 2018 Rookie of the Year.

For that matter, how good have SI’s choices been in the (apparently) nine years they’ve bestowed that title?

2010: Who won?
Chrissy Teigen.

Who should have won?
It’s hard to argue with Chrissy Teigen. She had longevity (8 years) and went on to become a celebrity in her own right. She’s a rare SI model who’s become a household name outside of the SI swimsuit superfan world. She embraced and enhanced the SI brand.

Genevieve Morton might be my runner-up.

She had 6 years of her own, and she seemed to love being swimsuited (and naked).

• • •

2011: Who won?
Kate Upton.

Who should have won?
Kate Upton. Obviously.

For sheer star-power and sex appeal, Kate Upton is a no-brainer. Chrissy has her fingers in a lot of pies (Twitter/cooking/celeb marriage), but Kate’s the last SI model who (I believe) has reached her fame specifically as an SI model.

Runner-up? Well, I have my weak spot for Kenza Fourati.

But Kate Upton is a no-brainer.


So, after the better part of a decade has gone by, we see that the first couple years of ROTY selection were batting a thousand. Will that streak continue?

Well, This Is Genuinely Fascinating

Halima Aden, a hijab-wearing Muslim model, will be in this year’s issue, sporting a burkini.

There is a LOT going on here, issues of race and culture and religion and feminism and sexuality intersecting in a move that’s bold and maybe a little bewildering.

She’s adorable (her interviews are filled with very infectious smiles and screams). But I admit, I’m still getting my head around this…

Like, it’s no secret that the swimsuit issue is eye candy. But is it improper to let my eyes wander up and down Halima’s (almost entirely covered) body?

My very limited understanding of the hijab and the burkini is that they’re based on religion-inspired modesty. This seems to be at odds with the very idea of the swimsuit issue, where even the feminist activism involves naked ladies.

(Fun little irony: Just as you’re thinking about how skittish Islamic culture is about the female body, this Good Morning America story censors the cleavage on old swimsuit covers.)

But if this is a further celebration of diversity, I’m all about it. I like declarations that religion and feminism and liberalism are compatible with fun and sexiness. And I’m positive I will still have my Barbara Palvin bikini pics on the very next page.

Welcome, Halima!

Topless Tuesday: Kate Upton, 2018

Kate remains the undulating blonde bombshell she was created to be.