Sunday, March 5, 2017

The Girl So Nice They Named Her Lais

The more time I’ve spent contemplating Lais Ribeiro, the more in love with her I fall.
She’s not just my favorite rookie. She’s my favorite model this year.
I know it’s only her first issue, but I might be developing a Stacey Williams/Julie Henderson level obsession with her. She’s intoxicating.
So, SI: Bring her back! Over and over! She’s perfect.

Here she is in Victoria’s Secret.

Here she is naked in GQ Mexico.

Here she is bikini’d in GQ South Africa.

And here she is as the lost Brazilian model from the 2007 swimsuit issue.

SI: I need more of her. You need more of her. Let’s do this.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Gen Nude Sais Quoi

By the way, I’m assuming you’ve picked up a copy of Genevieve Morton’s nude 2017 calendar?

She’s holding both halves of a bikini, so this counts as a swimsuit photo.

They’re some of the best photos I’ve seen of her. I’m not sure SI ever captured her this beautifully. And her nakedness raised money for the Foundation for Breast & Prostate Health, so never tell me my obsession with swimsuit models isn’t altruistic.


I’ve always had this feeling that Genevieve just loves being naked. I’m not going to steer her away from that.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Broad Strokes

Last year I mentioned that the swimsuit issue had several shots of models’ bodies. No heads, just torsos. I was simultaneously thrilled and hesitant about it.

I assumed we’d see a bunch more shots like that this year. But as far as I can see, there are only two. And they are both painted bodies of model search girls.

Behold: Anne De Paula and Lisa-Marie Jaftha. In painted one-piecers for One-Piece Wednesday.
They happen to be my two favorites of this year’s search. Specifically, Lisa-Marie is freaking magnificent. She reminds me of Lais in the ideal swimsuitness of her body.

Oh, for the record: beautiful face as well.
And everything else.
Plus, “Lisa” and “Lais” are anagrams, so let’s get both girls on board for 2018. However, I don’t know where to go to vote for her, or even if the vote is still going on. And that fact makes me realize I’ve felt kind of bland toward this year’s issue.

I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s everything else going on in the world. Maybe the Christie Brinkley news gave me some early idea that the issue would be gimmicky. Maybe it’s the loss of some of my favorite 2016 girls and the return of some who I might not miss as much. Maybe I’m just getting old.

But the fact is, the issue is filled with beautiful photos. Samantha Hoopes is a model I have never been real excited about (she’s got a 1980s hair metal music video vibe to her), but she has some very pretty, understated shots.

After my initial fit of downloading, I’ve been able to linger over the shots in a more leisurely fashion, and there’s a lot of greatness here. Not least of which is a stellar year from Hailey Clauson, so let’s give her a bonus One-Piece Wednesday for this amazingness.
Hot blonde. High-cut red one-piece swimsuit. You cannot top that.

And speaking of tops…

Hailey also submits her second entry into the “top-but-no-bottomclub.

And Kate Upton submits her first.

Keep it coming, girls.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Christie and the Brinklettes

A few years ago, I spared a thought for Christie Brinkley’s (then-)teenage son, and how awkward it must be to have a mom who’s ubiquitous in sexy swimsuit photos.


Well guess what, Jack…


This just got three times as weird for you.

We may not get the Gigi/Bella sister photoshoot we’d like, but we did get a couple sisters this year: Alexis and Sailor fill out their bikinis rather nicely.

Sailor does indeed resemble her mom a bit. They both have that California girl radiance.

Whaddaya think? Are they related?

You know what would have been great? If they had Sailor recreate some of her mom’s poses. They’ve been so focused on historical recreations lately, with one model impersonating an earlier one. Wouldn’t it have been great to see Sailor doing some old-school Christie shots?


Or her three consecutive covers? That’s something I’d love to have seen.


Heck, get Sailor and Alexis together to pay homage to Christie and Maria Joao.


There were some homages this year. At lest one intentional… Kate Bock here is clearly invoking Farrah Fawcett.


(Of course, Heidi beat her to it.)


Lais here reminds me of Yasmeen Ghauri.


And of course Hannah Ferguson waited only one year to pay tribute to Gigi Hadid.


And lovely tennis star Genie Bouchard casts an eye toward Rachel Hunter...


...and Kelly Emberg.


Yes, these are all quite a stretch. I'm okay making them though.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Rookie One-Piece Wednesday

Seven rookies, listed from my most favorite to least.

Lais Ribeiro
Yep, she’s still my favorite. Still flawless.

Kelly Gale
And Kelly remains directly behind Lais. Sultry AF. Bring her back.

Mya Dalbesio
I love her body, and her photos have a lot of fun to them. I’d like to see more.

Vita Sidorkina
I didn’t expect to like her as much as I do. I thought she’d be too much of a pale blonde ice queen, but hey, I’m not immune to blondes in bikinis I guess. There’s a certain mischief to her photos.

Bianca Balti
Rookie of the Year, so she’s probably a lock for next year. There’s something classic and timeless about her, like a 1960s beauty. But I can’t seem to get entirely swept up with her.

Danielle Herrington
She had some nice, striking photos this year, but I’d predict her as least likely to return next year.

Mia Kang
She doesn’t have any one-piece suits this year, so let’s go the opposite: some strategically placed doilies.
 Though here’s a barely-one-piece suit from her model search photos last year.
I think I’d prefer any of the other models from last year’s search. Mia’s hot, but I find myself contemplating what might have been.

Last year, I was a Caroline or Ebonee guy. But now I think my favorite girl would have been Daniela Lopez.
Gorgeous, yes, but let’s call out the main point. She has perhaps the most magnificent ass to ever graced the pages of the swimsuit issue.
I wouldn’t have minded 30 or so new photos of her.