Sunday, February 18, 2018

Play Freeboob!

According to legend, the ancient mythical Amazons had one breast removed to allow them to become better archers.

I can only assume that was the inspiration behind these numbers sported by Kate Bock and Barbara Palvin.
These rather impractical one-piecers each cover only the right breast, leaving the left to be covered modestly by the palm of a hand.

They’re not good for beach volleyball, I guess is what I’m saying.

They’re not the first single-breast suits the swimsuit issue has shown us. Just last year, Hailey Clauson shared this number with us.
Now it’s the right breast that is free while the left one is hidden from view.

A couple years earlier, in 2015, Sara Sampaio and Sam Hoopes flaunted a couple of breasts: one left and one right.

Ten years earlier, in 2015, Anne V and Carolyn Murphy flaunted the same breast in possibly the same swimsuit.

And let us travel all the way back to 1990, when the lovely Elle Macpherson showed us what was right. (Marisa Miller followed suit in 2004.)

I have a feeling there are other examples that I wasn’t able to dig up. If I find more, I’ll update this post. But the current tally is 6 right breasts exposed, 3 left breasts exposed. (Or, if you're a pessimist, 3 right and 6 left concealed.)

But obviously, in order to be actual swimsuits, some additional cover would have to be added.

One that note, another theme of 2018 seems to be “mesh one-piece swimsuits so scandalous that they need to be worn with bikini bottoms underneath.”

See? Swimsuitologist is really just a fashion blog at heart.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

All That Jasmyn

I may not ever get Jasmine as a full-fledged SI model. But you know who’s hot? Jasmyn.

She’s one of the surprises for me in 2018. She wasn’t really on my radar, and a couple days ago I couldn’t have told you if she was a rookie or a model search girl or whatever.

But yes, Jasmyn Wilkins is a rookie, and I find her really captivating. Gorgeous body in a series of great poses in line with the sunny throwback theme.

And what the heck. Let’s kick off Thumb-Hook Thursday.

Welcome, Jasmyn.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

One-Piece Wednesday: Hailey Clauson, 2018


Snug, shiny, and high-cut. 13-year-old Swimsuitologist, firmly planted in the mid-80s and delirious with puberty, is quite happy.

T & A (Tits & Activism)

This is definitely Sam Hoopes’s best year. The whole 80s vibe seems to suit her. There are a few photos that could be flashbacks to the pages of the mid-80s.

But she also has this photo, which I think encapsulates a lot of the weirdness about the swimsuit issue tackling deeper issues than swimsuits.

Her t-shirt has what is meant to be a brash, feminist message. It addresses a puritanical attitude toward women’s bodies, something that manifests itself in everything from double standards in beachwear to dress codes for female students to public breastfeeding controversies.

But here? In the swimsuit issue?

The answer is “no.” Sam, your nipples do not offend me.

In 2014, after a long and airbrushed hiatus, nipples came poking into view again like buds reemerging after a Game-of-Thrones-style winter. We celebrate wet, sheer tops in these pages.

As far as t-shirt activism goes, Nina Agdal sported this number last year.

Nina’s message finds a much surer purchase on the breasts of a swimsuit model. It addresses the flack that a lot of models and actresses get when they speak up, this screwed-up morality that dictates that you can’t complain about sexual harassment because you did a sex scene in a movie once.

This segment form Aly Raisman’s Twitter account scratches the surface.

• • •

I think the nudes are pretty beautiful. There are a couple women whom I’d rather see in bikinis, personally. (Most of the “In Her Own Words” girls didn't do swimsuits.) Olivia Culpo is one such rookie I’d like to see in a more traditional shoot.

• • •

Still swimming my way through the photos. (Barbara Palvin, wow.)

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Tell You What...

I think this is a pretty damn good cover.

Welcome, Danielle.

Dig in, ladies and gentlemen.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Bodies Politic

Well, we’re here. 2018 begins tomorrow.

Apparently, they’re revealing the cover girl tomorrow morning. I assume the full portfolio of pictures will follow, right? They wouldn’t make us wait until Wednesday to see what’s inside, I hope… Anyway, they’re calling it “a cover reveal moment for the ages.”

No idea what that might mean.

I will point out that after my post a couple weeks ago in which I said I’d welcome Paulina back, she’s actually coming back. At least in some capacity. She’s one of the models in the “In Her Own Words” … um, section? movement? feature?

Well, let’s let SI describe it:
In Her Own Words is a continuation and evolution of the essence of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit. It is a platform that allows the voice, the strength and the passion of these women to be expressed in the rawest form…on the naked body…with all the artistic and creative control left to them.

Paulina, along with Robyn, Sailor, and I think a few other models, poses naked with descriptive words written on her in capital block letters.

I don’t know. I have many thoughts.

I am all about #MeToo. I am all about #TimesUp. Several SI models past and present have shared some awful stories about the trials they go through in this industry. It’s heartbreaking.

I think I’ve been up front on this blog about seeing these women as human beings. One of the delightful things about the swimsuit issue, for me, is that these beautiful women like doing this. I’ve talked before about the wonderful “permission” we the viewers are granted to look at them. Not to get too dramatic, but they’re sharing their bodies with us.

But “In Her Own Words” looks kind of like a thrown-together college art installation project.

In fact, it’s superficially very similar to #SignedByTrump, which actually WAS a college art project, and gained its power by writing some awful Trump statements on the bodies of women.

The Dixie Chicks’ Entertainment Weekly cover was similar. Part of the power was that the phrases written on the band’s bodies were both “pro” and “con,” praise and condemnation mixing to complete a complex picture.

But the swimsuit girls… They just have these milquetoast positive things painted on them. In capital block letters.

(I mean, this magazine has had the benefit of Joanne Gair for almost two decades, and they’re using capital block letters.)

It seems hastily assembled, and it’s therefore kind of a microcosm of SI Swim’s hastily assembled mission of wokeness.

I guess I’m all about the message of strength and positivity. But the venue is weird.

The swimsuit issue has been a flirty, safe-for-the-coffee-table girlie magazine for so long that I think most of the anger against it has died down. I get the feeling that it’s not seen as much of a threat anymore, even by those who object to it. So it’s been able to flourish as a little cove of unashamed cheesecake.

Social issues seem a little over its head. It’s like watching a beloved, corny sitcom try to tackle Israel/Palestine.

And I say this knowing that there’s a much darker backlash out there. If you have had the misfortune of reading some of the comments on SI Swim’s Facebook page, you’ll see no shortage of cruel insults and disgusting lewdness aimed at the models. One guy made it his mission a few days ago to lambaste Kate Upton for speaking up as part of #MeToo. Many, many idiots have the opinion that, if you pose in a bikini, you don’t have a leg to stand on in asserting your right not to be groped against your will.

So, I’m trying to make it clear that I am NOT on that side. And maybe that’s the thing. I think this venture is a little weird, or weak, or tone deaf. But I don’t want to align myself with those who have a knee-jerk, violent reaction to it. So I guess I’m just observing to see where it goes.

Maybe the value will be allowing these models whom I’ve idolized for so long to share something communally. Maybe it will be a step in shedding light on the creepier corners of the industry. Higher visibility. Bigger names speaking out in bigger venues.

And maybe, just maybe, this cove of unashamed cheesecake has been waiting for a sea change.

Anyway. The issue comes out tomorrow. A million thinkpieces to follow.

See you there.

Friday, February 2, 2018


Okay, this has piqued my interest in the 2018 swimsuit issue.

They just released their first photo: my girl Lais Ribeiro.

• • •

Also, Alexis Ren won Rookie of the Year.

I recognize the name, but I wouldn't have been able to pick her out of a crowd. Apparently she's big on social media, which probably played a part in her landslide win.