Underboob Monday: Scissor Sisters

I wish I had a photo of this top in the process of being snipped ...

... so I could make a triptych with these other two t-shirts getting cut down to size.

But as far as I know, that action shot doesn't exist. So here's Kate Upton in Esquire from 7 years ago.

Underboob Monday: Hannah Ferguson, 2016

Here are some stills of Hannah from her 2016 Intimates video.

This lovely bikini is, tragically, not in any of her photos from that year.

Perfect Tens

These are my ten favorite SI models who’ve been introduced to us during this blog’s existence (not counting the one-hit wonders, who got their own list).

#10 Haley Kalil (model search 2018, rookie 2019)

(Yep, she’s new, but I have good feelings about her.)

First appearance: March 24, 2018, A Real Camille & Kalil Reveal

• • •

#9 Myla Dalbesio (2017)

First appearance: February 7, 2017, Christie’s Back

• • •

#8 Hannah Ferguson (2014)

First appearance: February 5, 2014, Latest Rookie Reveal: Hannah Ferguson

• • •

#7 Emily DiDonato (2013)

First appearance: February 5, 2013, Countdown: 7 Days to Go

• • •

#6 Bo Krsmanovic (2016)

First appearance: February 14, 2017, Northern Exposure

• • •

#5 Rose Bertram (2015)

First appearance: February 2, 2015, Rookie reveal #3: Rose Bertram

• • •

#4 Hailey Clauson (2015)
First appearance: May 5, 2014, A Bit of a Shayk-Up

• • •

#3 Barbara Palvin (2016)

First appearance: November 18, 2012, Missing the Complexities (several years before she was an SI girl!)

• • •

#2 Lais Ribeiro (2017)

First appearance: February 7, 2017, Christie’s Back

• • •

#1 Sara Sampaio (2014)

First appearance: February 4, 2014, Whaddaya Want, a Rookie?

The ranking is subject to change, depending on whichever recent photos I've seen. (UPDATE: In fact, I just moved Barbara Palvin up to #3. I previously had her at #5 for some reason.) I had to make some tough cuts. Vita Sidorkina and Kelsey Merritt were the last to be dismissed. Sorry, girls, I love you all!

Decadence

So it’s June 1, 2020. Obviously, there’s a lot going on today. But.

Ten years ago today, I put fingers to keyboard and started broadcasting my weird little thoughts and observations about the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

A surprising amount of stuff has happened to the issue since then.

The 50th Anniversary. The return of nipples. Recreations of historic shoots.

The foray into social issues. The widening of beauty standards for size, age, and amount of exposed skin. The shift to a kind of half-girlie-magazine, half-women’s-magazine.

The returns of many glorious veterans. The first second-generation model. The unveiling of a superstar.

SI Swim’s increase in social media, from boobcam tweets to an entire SI-hosted blog. A VR app. Live conventions.

A leaked cover. Three triple-covers. The pushing back of the release date from February to May to July.

Through it all, I’ve discovered I’m not the only historian with a deep affinity for this quaint, outdated slice of American cheesecake. There are maybe five or six of us.

I’ve enjoyed having a place to share my love for this magazine, and to share my frustrations as well.

At one point, my plan was to review the 2020 issue, whether it came out in February or May, then maybe shut the blog down (again) on June 1. But the schedule didn’t cooperate with that plan. I definitely want to see what 2020 is going to be like.

After that, who knows? The first time I ended this blog, after five years, was five years ago. And I just can’t seem to quit the swimsuit issue.

Thumb-Hook Thursday: Hannah Ferguson, 2015

Summer Week continues at Swimsuitologist.

Love and miss ya, Hannah F.

Topless Tuesday: Two Hannahs, 2015

Continuing with the "Summer of Swim" theme, here are Hannah Ferguson and Hannah Davis, in big bottoms and nonexistent tops.

Thumb-Hook Thursday: Hannah Ferguson, 2016

I'm on record as disliking the boobs-squashed-to-the-sides look.

But for today, let us focus on the bikini bottom.

ROTY Revisited: 2014, 2015

2014: Who won?
Sara Sampaio.

Who should have won?
Sara Sampaio.

On these pages, I’ve sung her praises and bemoaned the brevity of her tenure. No need to retread.

But it should be mentioned that 2014 was a banner year for rookies. 12 in all, including superlative girls Hannah Ferguson, Gigi Hadid, and Lily Aldridge.

• • •

2015: Who won?
Kelly Rohrbach.

Who should have won?
This is a tough one, and I keep going back and forth, but I might pick Rose Bertram first and Hailey Clauson second. Both of them are undeniable bombshells.

I’m on record as loving Kelly, but I think either of these girls would have been more solid choices. (And they both were back for more issues than Kelly, who only gave us two appearances.)

Underboob Monday: Hannah Ferguson, 2017

The year was 2017, and Sports Illustrated was in the midst of the Great Re-Nippling. Hannah Ferguson stepped forth in this might-as-well-not-wear-it-at-all mesh top, a garment that would never have survived un-photoshopped just a few years earlier.

But apparently the crew decided there was still a little too much left to the imagination, so they gave the top the Jessica Hart “wild sexy bikini” treatment …

… making Hannah eligible for her first Underboob Monday.

Thank you, Hannah.

What I've Seen of Twenty-Nineteen

A handful of quick takes.


Halima Aden looks gorgeous. But her photos seem like a fashion shoot for Elle or something.

It’s still a head-scratcher. I’m not sure what to do with my eyes.

Hailey Clauson’s photos are a bit of a letdown. She’s one of my current favorites, but this year she has a lot of awkward, unflattering poses in awkward, unflattering swimsuits.

This photo is, weirdly, one of her best this year, despite showing off none of her body. It’s her gorgeous face in an unguarded smile (I bet cradling a koala will do that for you).

Hailey has to come back next year. I don’t want this to be her last appearance.


Danielle Herrington, on the other hand, has a great year. I think she looks fantastic.

Though I’m not a fan of the “thin, vertical nipple strap extruding bipolar boob spillage” style. SI uses this type of top a LOT lately, especially on the more buxom ladies.

Too much, in my opinion.


Swimsuitologist favorite Myla Dalbesio looks great. Those eyes.

And she provides 2019’s one example that I’ve (so far) seen of the “all body, no head” genre of photos.

I briefly thought she gave us a “Same Suit, Different Babe” with Hannah Ferguson from a few years ago…

…but no, they are different suits from different designers.


Anne de Paula does indeed have a better year than last year. Some very nice photos.

But SI, once again, for at least the fifth time, decides to use Kenyans as human props.

What is it about Kenya??