Heel Thyself

A few years ago, I pointed out that the ideal male fantasy was Yamila Diaz in a bikini, surrounded by beer and barbecue.

Oddly, I left out one detail. She’s wearing heels.

A gorgeous girl wearing nothing but a bikini and heels. Is there a more perfect symbol of feminine sexuality?

Anne V, by the Numbers

…bookended by a shoot she did for Esquire last year.

Her streak of ten consecutive issues is nearly without precedent. (Kathy managed eleven in a row from 1984-1994.)

That number blew away the rest of her rookie class in 2005.

Alicia Hall (1 year)

Michelle Lombardo (1 year)

Frankie Rayder (2 years)

Mallory Snyder (2 years)

Oluchi Onweagba (4 years)

Daniella Sarahyba (6 years)

Only Daniella managed to break the halfway point of Anne’s longevity.

By my count, she has shared the magazine with 88 other models. (I am not counting athletes or WAGs or reality show stars. I am, somewhat grudgingly, counting Beyonce. I’m counting the 2006 cover all-stars, but not the 2014 “legends” reunion because, well, the legends were fully clothed.)

• • •

Adaora • Nina Agdal • Lily Aldridge • Michelle Alves • Ana Paula Araujo • Melissa Baker • Natasha Barnard • Ana Beatriz Barros • Elsa Benitez • Beyonce • Kate Bock • Yasmin Brunet • Carla Campbell • Jeisa Chiminazzo • Shannan Click • Kim Cloutier • Sonia Dara • Hannah Davis • Brooklyn Decker • Yamila Diaz • Cintia Dicker • Emily DiDonato • Zoe Duchesne • Lucia Dvorska • Selita Ebanks • Hannah Ferguson • Kenza Fourati • Esti Ginzburg • Jessica Gomes • Izabel Goulart • Quiana Grant • Kirby Griffin • Gigi Hadid • Alicia Hall • Bridget Hall • Melissa Haro • Jessica Hart • Bregje Heinen • Julie Henderson • Samantha Hoopes • Marloes Horst • Rachel Hunter • Chanel Iman • Heidi Klum • Shakara Ledard • Noemie Lenoir • Damaris Lewis • Michelle Lombardo • Elle Macpherson • Jarah Mariano • Lauren Mellor • Ariel Meredith • Alyssa Miller • Marisa Miller • Genevieve Morton • Fernanda Motta • Carolyn Murphy • Aline Nakashina • Petra Nemcova • Raica Oliveira • Oluchi Onweagba • Julie Ordon • Jessica Perez • Daniela Pestova • Dominique Piek • Tori Praver • Emily Ratajkowski • Frankie Rayder • Crystal Renn • Bar Refaeli • Hilary Rhoda • Rebecca Romijn • Pania Rose • Sara Sampaio • Danielle Sarahyba • Irina Shayk • Molly Sims • Mallory Snyder • Fernanda Tavares • Chrissy Teigen • Yesica Toscanini • Kate Upton • Cris Urena • Valerie van der Graaf • Jessica Van Der Steen • Veronika Varekova • Michelle Vawer • Jessica White

• • •

That’s probably a record.

Bodypainting appearances: 2

Covers: 0 (to the outrage of many)

Thanks, Anne. And congrats on your announcement.

The Swimsuit Contest Curse

Today is Michelle Lombardo's 28th birthday.She won the Sports Illustrated "Fresh Face" contest, landing her in the 2005 issue (and a lot of scuba gear).Of course, another contest winner made her debut in 2005, this one as the result of a reality show, "Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search." That girl was Alicia Hall.
(Though I was heartily rooting for the runner-up, Shannon Hughes.)Both Michelle and Alicia ended up as one-hit wonders, never to appear in the magazine's pages again. Is there a swimsuit issue contest curse?

If, a year and a half from now, Jessica Perez fails to appear in the 2013 issue, we'll know something supernatural is afoot.

When You Ogle the Swimsuit, The Swimsuit Also Ogles You

Every so often, a face peers out from the body of a swimsuit model. This phenomenon can be anywhere on a spectrum from cute to disturbing.

Take this 1990 photo of Judit Masco and Akure Wall.The faces are big and friendly, cartoony and innocent. The overall effect is cute, emphasized by the models’ “speak no evil, hear no evil” poses.

Then there’s this. Michelle Lombardo from 2005, with a cat gazing from her bikini bottom.This is just as cutesy and cartoony as the previous photo, but I can’t help thinking there’s a visual pun here, one I can’t quite put my finger on, that keeps it from being categorized as “innocent.”

(In 2011, Brooklyn Decker took the cat imagery to a whole new level.)Then we move on to Jessica White’s painted-on suit from 2009.A Pompeii-inspired pair of eyes glares a few feet south of Jessica’s. The effect is getting unsettling.

And then there’s Stacey Williams from 1998.13 years later, and I’m still scratching my head over this one. I’m all for Jesus, but as Courtney Love said in “The People vs. Larry Flynt,” “Nobody on this planet wants their religion and their porn mixed together.”

(That is Jesus, right? And Mary?)

It’s especially frustrating because Stacey is one of my all-time favorites. I frankly don’t think there are enough photos of her.

And one of them has a dose of Catholic guilt built right into it.