Come, Mister Tally Man

Christie and the Brinklettes

A few years ago, I spared a thought for Christie Brinkley’s (then-)teenage son, and how awkward it must be to have a mom who’s ubiquitous in sexy swimsuit photos.

Well guess what, Jack…

This just got three times as weird for you.

We may not get the Gigi/Bella sister photoshoot we’d like, but we did get a couple sisters this year: Alexis and Sailor fill out their bikinis rather nicely.

Sailor does indeed resemble her mom a bit. They both have that California girl radiance.

Whaddaya think? Are they related?

You know what would have been great? If they had Sailor recreate some of her mom’s poses. They’ve been so focused on historical recreations lately, with one model impersonating an earlier one. Wouldn’t it have been great to see Sailor doing some old-school Christie shots?

Or her three consecutive covers? That’s something I’d love to have seen.

Heck, get Sailor and Alexis together to pay homage to Christie and Maria Joao.

There were some homages this year. At least one intentional… Kate Bock here is clearly invoking Farrah Fawcett.

(Of course, Heidi beat her to it.)

Lais here reminds me of Talisa Soto.

And of course Hannah Ferguson waited only one year to pay tribute to Gigi Hadid.

And lovely tennis star Genie Bouchard casts an eye toward Rachel Hunter...

...and Kelly Emberg.

Yes, these are all quite a stretch. I'm okay making them though.

Six Degrees of Ashley Richardson

Ashley is a good collaborator. She’s done shoots with Judit Masco, Angie Everhart, Rachel Hunter, and more.

I began to see her as the Kevin Bacon of the swimsuit issue. If you look at who she’s posed with, and who those girls have posed with, you create a web that encompasses a not-insignificant percentage of SI models.

Let me try something. I’m going to go to Wikipedia and click the “random article” button. We’ll see if I can link that topic to Ashley somehow.

. . .

Okay, I came up with Dara Torres. You remember her, the Olympic swimmer who showed grace in competition when she delayed a race so a fellow swimmer had time to address some swimsuit problems?

But how to link her to Ashley? Hmm, I may have bit off more than I can—

Wait! Dara was in the swimsuit issue, back in 1994! Here she is, flanked by Kathy Ireland and Elle Macpherson.

Of course, Elle and Kathy were on the cover of that issue, along with Rachel Hunter.

And that’s Rachel in the pink suit, way in the background, while Ashley jogs in her green suit in the foreground. 

Here’s a probably poorly designed and possibly incomplete chart of Ashley’s influence. By my count, you can connect her to 40 other models.

If it’s true that the 50th anniversary issue will feature some veterans returning, who knows? This list may explode. If we could link Ashley to the Brazilian beauties from 2007, or to some combo of Jessica White/Julie Henderson/Brooklyn Decker/Chrissy Tiegen, her web will just get bigger.

Unfortunately, SI doesn’t do multiple-girl shoots much anymore. So connecting the models is a dying art.

In any case, if you assign an “Ashley Richardson Number” to each model based on her distance from Ashley, you come up with the following:

Ashley Richardson Number: 0

Ashley Richardson

Ashley Richardson Number: 1

Rachel Hunter

Louise Vyent

Michaela Bercu

Anna Getaneh

Maria von Hartz

Akure Wall

Vendela

Shana Zadrick

Gail O’Neill

Roshumba Williams

Angie Everhart

Judit Masco

Ashley Richardson Number: 2

Stephanie Seymour

Elle Macpherson

Kathy Ireland

Veronica Blume

Rebecca Romijn

Paulina Porizkova

Tyra Banks

Stacey Williams

Cheryl Tiegs

Christie Brinkley

Heidi Klum

Veronica Varekova

Daniela Pestova

Elsa Benitez

Carolyn Murphy

Yamila Diaz

Valeria Mazza

Ashley Richardson Number: 3

Georgiana Robertson

Monika Schnarre

Jean Pelton

Dara Torres

Kelly Emberg

Britta Dubbels

Ingrid Seynhaeve

Petra Nemcova

Girl in the Pool with Christie (UPDATE: It's Maria João)

Ashley Richardson Number: 4

Kim Alexis

Carol Alt

Thank you for bringing us all together, Ashley. You are a beacon to us all.

Show Some Restraint

This is a photo upload from the swimsuit issue’s Facebook page. Apparently lack of closet space and/or hangers during the 2011 shoot resulted in an improvised method of hanging all the bikinis: they strung a room with rope.

“Rope goes a long way!” declares Darcie Baum, Assistant Editor of the swimsuit issue.

Is there a little kinky flirtation to that statement? Or am I just a pervert?

Because there is a significant category of SI pose in which the model is handling or otherwise interacting with rope…Of course, swimsuit photography repeatedly finds itself on boats and beaches, two places where rope is often handy. Sooner or later it’s going to be used as a prop. It doesn’t mean there are any B&D implications.

Except… In this photo from 2007, Anne V went beyond just posing near some rope and plunged straight into coiling it around her bikini-clad body:Also in 2007, Yesica Toscanini actually managed to get herself lassoed:And in 2003, Sarah O’Hare seemed unable to stop trussing herself up:Well, it’s still nonsense. I mean, they’re just playing with the rope. Of course it’s going to find its way around their bodies; there’s only so much you can do with a length of rope.

Well, what if we removed the rope from the equation altogether? Might there be poses that kind of look like the model is tied up, even in the absence of any actual rope?

Let’s see. Would you like her tied to a post?Maria Joao, 1978 • Stacey Williams, 1993 • May Andersen, 2003
Esti Ginzburg, 2010 • Christine Teigen, 2010
Or chained to the ceiling?Julie Henderson, 2008 • Cintia Dicker, 2009 • Bar Refaeli, 2010
Or secured to a frame?Jeisa Chiminazzo, 2008 • Jessica Gomes, 2008 • Bar Refaeli, 2009
Or spreadeagled on a couch?Rebecca Romijn, 1999
Or just standing submissive before you?Kim Alexis, 1988
Or—why not?—staked out as a sacrifice to the Kraken?Lujan Fernandez, 2001
I always thought this 2010 pic looked like Julie Henderson was some bikini-clad cattle rustler who’d been tied to the back of a horse and led into town upon her capture:Now, do I seriously believe all these are supposed to make me think of bound swimsuit models? No.

Do I believe none of them are? No.

I remember a behind-the-scenes video from 2007 (I can’t find it anymore) in which Julie Henderson and Jessica White were wandering around what looked like a Walmart. At some point, Julie picked up a fishing net and “captured” Jessica. Jessica asked, “Now that you have me, what will you do with me?” Julie said something like, “Hmmm, I’m not sure…” Then a female off-camera voice said, “It’s like a really bad porno!” And everyone laughed.

I don’t think many people would claim that the swimsuit issue is explicit. Many would call it quaint and innocent, as sexy materials go nowadays. But it is sexy, and there are certain shadowy-corner sexual triggers that can be pulled with some degree of subtlety.Food for thought.