In the Palm of Your Sand

Like all red-blooded American males, I look to the swimsuit issue for one thing: tips on using coconut oil in my day-to-day life. Swim Daily came through with recommended products for hair care, skin care, and, um, lube.

So let us celebrate that most platonic ideal of tropical fruit, the coconut, which obviously makes several appearances in our favorite magazine. In fact, I bet there are lots more examples I’ve missed.

And just for the obligatory “Put the Lime in the Coconut” reference…

Come, Mister Tally Man

Ten-Hit Wonders

These are, in my humble opinion, the ten best one-hit wonders to grace the swimsuit issue in this blog’s ten-year history.

#10 Georgia Gibbs (2018)

First appearance: February 28, 2018, Models Named in Suit

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#9 Lauren Mellor (2014)

First appearance: December 6, 2013, Copycats

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#8 Kenza Fourati (2011)

First appearance: February 12, 2011, Your 2011 Rookies

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#7 Michelle Vawer (2012)

First appearance: November 16, 2011, One-Piece Wednesday: 2012 Mystery Ladies

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#6 Bregje Heinen (2014)

(This swimsuit alone would have gotten her on this list.)

First appearance: June 4 2013, So It Begins

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#5 Sofia Resing (2016)

First appearance: February 17, 2016, Headless Body in Topless Photo

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#4 Cris Urena (2014)

First appearance: December 6, 2013, Copycats

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#3 Chase Carter (2018)

First appearance: January 28, 2018, Turning Back the Pages

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#2 Kelly Gale (2017)

First appearance: February 7, 2017, Christie’s Back

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#1 Raven Lyn (2018)

First appearance: October 19, 2017, Back to Basics

Interesting trivia: The one-hit wonders of the last decade had a Lyn (Raven, 2018) and a Lynn (Tara, 2019) as well as a Ren (Alexis, 2018) and a Renn (Crystal, 2012).

Calendar Girls, Revisited: 1991 Part 2

Now this was a beautiful week. On July 21, 1991, Sara Sampaio was welcomed by a tag team of Judit Masco and Akure Wall.

On September 4, Cris Urena's arrival was overseen by Ashley Richardson.

Kathy's third appearance coincided with Sofia Resing's birth on September 25.

And Kirby Griffin was born on November 14, under the sign of Elle.

The Implications of Skimpification

Here’s a BBC article on the historical shrinking of swimwear, in conjunction with an exhibit at the Fashion and Textile Museum.

I don't care how much fabric is in those suits. These are sexy photos.

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I’ve been contemplating why girls in swimsuits are sexier to me than girls in lingerie. I think I’ve stumbled upon something.

A bikini and a bra/panties combo are strikingly similar. They’re the same size and the same shape, and they cover the exact same areas of a woman’s body. But there’s a philosophical difference.

Lingerie is something a woman strips down to. A bikini is the outfit she puts on. The nearly identical articles of clothing are arrived at from opposite directions.

There’s something secretive about lingerie. In real life, seeing a woman dressed like that means she’s choosing to reveal herself to you in an intimate setting. (Which, make no mistake, is mind-blowingly sexy.)

But a swimsuit is worn publicly. The same amount of skin is shown, but there’s an air of “no big deal, I’m just swimming” about a bikini. I’m not sure I’ve put my finger on it, but it might be that the same level of sexuality is given a fun, everyday, celebratory personality to it.

It might account for that sense of “innocence” I have about the swimsuit issue that gets scandalized whenever a more overtly sexual approach pops up.

PSA: This shouldn’t need to be said, but I’ll say it: Don’t gawk at swimsuit-clad women in public places. It’s a different situation. The models in SI are tacitly inviting your eyes. Women at the pool are minding their own business. Sure: glance, notice. But don’t be a freaking creep.

This is important to me, because I want a world where respecting women and finding them hot are not presumed to be mutually exclusive. And I never want a woman to regret wearing a bikini.

There was a Tumblr blog, now sadly gone, called Fuck Yeah Swimsuit Models. It featured an SI photo per day, sometimes with commentary. I noticed some of the photos were tagged “classic.” I assumed this referred to photos from a certain bygone golden era of the magazine, or possibly to photos the person running the blog particularly liked.

But then I noticed the blog included a definition of the term “classic.” Thanks to the Internet Archive Wayback Machine, I can share this definition with you:

Classic, as a tag on this blog, refers to a very specific kind of shot: the model is wearing (all of) a real bikini, on a sunny beach. It’s just the original, simple premise of the swimsuit issue itself, no gimmicks or partially-disrobed women. Another way to look at it: classic shots are straightforward enough that they could actually be used by a viewer to judge the swimsuit itself. (As if anyone would ever try to do that.)

Tori Praver, would you demonstrate?

NOT CLASSIC: Missing a top.

NOT CLASSIC: Missing a bottom.

NOT CLASSIC: Missing a beach.

NOT CLASSIC: The suit is a lie.

Classic.

There you have it. The swimsuit, as it appears in the wild.

That’s the Way the Rookie Crumbles 2015

With a whopping twelve rookies introduced in 2014, someone had to slip away in 2015. I am actually surprised at how many did stick around. Seven: more than half of them.

We lost the entire Netherlands subcommittee: Bregje, Marloes, and Valerie. I expected at least one of them to stick around. Marloes was the swimsuit-model-lookingest girl of the bunch. And Bregje had those eyes. (And that one-piece.)

The most surprising return for me was Samantha Hoopes. Sexy, obviously. But she seemed like a very straightforward blonde-with-big-boobs, if that makes sense. (Though I suppose “blonde with big boobs” never hurt anyone’s chances in the swimsuit issue.)

Samantha has a pretty 2015, by the way.

I also thought Emily Ratajkowski was going to completely distance herself from SI, but she’s back.

I’m sad to lose Cris, but I believe she had a baby. And Lauren had loads of potential, in my opinion.

In any case, we now have seven rookies to watch. My predictions, from most likely to least likely to return:

1) Kelly (would probably be #2 if she hadn’t just gotten ROTY)
2) Hailey
3) Rose
4) Erin
5) Robyn
6) Solveig
7) Ashley

We’ll find out in a year!

Rookies crumbling 2013, 2012, 2011.