Twenty-Twenty, Won

Tanaye White and Kathy Jacobs are the newly minted rookies for 2021, meaning I didn’t get my wish.

However, Tanaye was one of the girls I was rooting for in last year’s model search, so let’s consider it a delayed victory.

In fact, here’s a fun photo. Two future model search winners, Class of 2020 and Class of 2021, in their black-bikini’d glory.

Tanaye seems to have slimmed down and muscled up a bit since her 2019 model search photos, which is a bit of a shame. But that magnificent sphere of hair is new too, and I very much enjoy that.

Kathy is good looking. Pretty amazing body, regardless of her age.

This is a tired complaint I keep making, but we’ve discarded so many wonderful models after one year, or two years, or even zero years if they’re not selected from their model searches. Chase Carter, for example, grabbed me immediately, so that years later I’m still pining after what might have been. 

None of this year’s candidates grabbed me like that.

The thing is, I don’t think they’re supposed to anymore. There’s clearly been a shift in what the swimsuit issue is trying to be.

Five years ago, in a post that touched on (then-)potential rookies Robin Lawley, Ashley Graham, and Marquita Pring, I wrote “I don’t think SI necessarily has a responsibility to change standards of beauty (they’re more in the business of harnessing those standards for profit).”

But now they seem to have taken up the cause of changing those standards of beauty. Trying to nudge the Overton window a bit.

As Tyra Banks said in this Fashionista article:
“Of course, it's male gaze. Duh. … But, it's not just that and so what I love about what's happening now is the woman looking at the swimsuit issue can see all of these different myriads of beauty that can possibly reflect her. … And the man can look at it and see not just what he was trained to like [by society], but go, 'why am I tingling when I'm looking at this photo of Hunter [McGrady] or Tara Lynn?' It's digging deep into what he truly is attracted to, but hasn't been trained to like."

And part of me, let’s call it my superego, thinks that’s good. I’m in favor of inclusivity, I’m in favor of opening up the standards of beauty so people don’t feel ostracized or inferior.

But there’s another part of me, let’s call it my id, that says “Why can’t the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue be the realm of impossibly beautiful women? That’s what the swimsuit issue is for. We all know it’s for fantasy purposes only. Fill it with Sara Sampaios and Chase Carters and Rose Bertrams and Raven Lyns and all the other girls we didn’t get enough of.”

I want my little island of unrealistic hotness.

MJ Day said in this Bustle interview:
"Kate [Upton], when she was on her first cover [in 2012] — people straight up called her fat. With this issue, people are coming after SI saying, 'Oh you're all about body diversity, but why is Kate Upton on the cover again?'" Day says. "I love that, because you know what that means? It means we have come so far in just five years."

This is a little different from my memory of Kate Upton’s arrival on the scene. I do remember people from the fashion world voicing the opinion that Kate wasn’t thin enough for their shows. But the red-blooded American hetero men of the world, the magazine’s ostensible audience? They immediately hailed her as their new bikini queen. I mean, it was unanimous. Everybody loved Kate.

Her Highness.

I’m not sure Kate Upton was really a swimsuit issue trailblazer. Robyn Lawley, introduced in 2015, was a significant step, though I felt that she had a very Ashley Richardson body. 

 

Ashley Graham, 2016 — she was an iconoclast.

Anyway, I’m torn. I don’t want to be one of those “OH NO THE SJWS ARE TRYING TO MAKE BONERS ILLEGAL” idiots. But I do kind of miss the yearly injection of plain-old message-free hotness.

The “good clean dirty fun” of the swimsuit issue was what inspired this blog in the first place. There was something retro about it, not just as a throwback to earlier years of the swimsuit issue, but as a throwback to pinups in general, on teens’ bedroom walls and WWII fighter planes. Maybe I liked that it was something we as a society were “getting away with” to some extent, kind of a naughty alcove of old-fashioned cheesecake, with its smiles and sand and cleavage peeks.

In the Palm of Your Sand

Like all red-blooded American males, I look to the swimsuit issue for one thing: tips on using coconut oil in my day-to-day life. Swim Daily came through with recommended products for hair care, skin care, and, um, lube.

So let us celebrate that most platonic ideal of tropical fruit, the coconut, which obviously makes several appearances in our favorite magazine. In fact, I bet there are lots more examples I’ve missed.

And just for the obligatory “Put the Lime in the Coconut” reference…

Perfect Tens

These are my ten favorite SI models who’ve been introduced to us during this blog’s existence (not counting the one-hit wonders, who got their own list).

#10 Haley Kalil (model search 2018, rookie 2019)

(Yep, she’s new, but I have good feelings about her.)

First appearance: March 24, 2018, A Real Camille & Kalil Reveal

• • •

#9 Myla Dalbesio (2017)

First appearance: February 7, 2017, Christie’s Back

• • •

#8 Hannah Ferguson (2014)

First appearance: February 5, 2014, Latest Rookie Reveal: Hannah Ferguson

• • •

#7 Emily DiDonato (2013)

First appearance: February 5, 2013, Countdown: 7 Days to Go

• • •

#6 Bo Krsmanovic (2016)

First appearance: February 14, 2017, Northern Exposure

• • •

#5 Rose Bertram (2015)

First appearance: February 2, 2015, Rookie reveal #3: Rose Bertram

• • •

#4 Hailey Clauson (2015)
First appearance: May 5, 2014, A Bit of a Shayk-Up

• • •

#3 Barbara Palvin (2016)

First appearance: November 18, 2012, Missing the Complexities (several years before she was an SI girl!)

• • •

#2 Lais Ribeiro (2017)

First appearance: February 7, 2017, Christie’s Back

• • •

#1 Sara Sampaio (2014)

First appearance: February 4, 2014, Whaddaya Want, a Rookie?

The ranking is subject to change, depending on whichever recent photos I've seen. (UPDATE: In fact, I just moved Barbara Palvin up to #3. I previously had her at #5 for some reason.) I had to make some tough cuts. Vita Sidorkina and Kelsey Merritt were the last to be dismissed. Sorry, girls, I love you all!

ROTY Revisited: 2014, 2015

2014: Who won?
Sara Sampaio.

Who should have won?
Sara Sampaio.

On these pages, I’ve sung her praises and bemoaned the brevity of her tenure. No need to retread.

But it should be mentioned that 2014 was a banner year for rookies. 12 in all, including superlative girls Hannah Ferguson, Gigi Hadid, and Lily Aldridge.

• • •

2015: Who won?
Kelly Rohrbach.

Who should have won?
This is a tough one, and I keep going back and forth, but I might pick Rose Bertram first and Hailey Clauson second. Both of them are undeniable bombshells.

I’m on record as loving Kelly, but I think either of these girls would have been more solid choices. (And they both were back for more issues than Kelly, who only gave us two appearances.)

Calendar Girls, Revisited: 1994

Ashley Richardson was busy this year, despite the birth of relatively few SI girls.


On March 20, she brought us Vita.

On April 16, she paired up with Vendela and brought us Kate Wasley.

And on October 26, hypnotist Britta Dubbels conjured Rose Bertram. (Thank you, Britta.)

Let’s Just Do It and Bikini Legends

So I recently watched the Netflix Fyre Fest documentary. I highly recommend it, if you haven’t seen it yet, which you probably have. It’s kind of astonishing what a clusterfuck it was from day one.



In any case, the doomed festival introduced itself to the world with some viral videos of top models frolicking on the beach in bikinis, including several SI girls.

Let us dedicate this week’s Topless Tuesday to the girls of the Fyre Festival. What’s the metaphor here… Massive failures start from the top down? Fraud will eventually be exposed? They should have anticipated failure and nipped it in the bud? Whatever. Here are Chanel, Emily, Hannah, Lais, and Rose.

And what the heck. Sharp-eyed viewers will probably catch a photo of Gigi during an early scene about the Fyre talent-booking app. Come join us, Gigi!

She may not have been in that promo video, but she’s adjacent to someone who was.

In Memoriam

I’m planning a lawsuit against Sports Illustrated.

A few months ago, I mapped out my ideal 2018 swimsuit issue. It included eight 2017 models I’d have loved to see come back.

SI got rid of three of them.

It’s very tough to lose Bo Krsmanovic, Hannah Ferguson, and Rose Bertram. I feel like there must be intolerable cruelty or breach of contract or some legal concept I can use to get those girls back.

Anyway, let’s survey the damage.

Bo Krsmanovic

I could have seen Bojana come back over and over again for years. This dark, Serbian beauty had a lot more swimsuit in her.

• • •

Rose Bertram

I’m even more torn up by the loss of this cute, bubbly, buxom young woman.

• • •

Hannah Ferguson

And the centerpiece. Hannah F was a sleek, blonde bombshell, and I can’t believe she’s gone.

• • •

Hannah Davis

Hannah D (or Hannah J if you prefer) was a staple and will be missed. Though as I’ve mentioned before, I think we have a good replacement in Chase Carter.

• • •

Nina Agdal

It was a respectable run for Nina! Six years. Looking at her photos, it’s clear how the Photoshop waxed and waned. (Look how Vaseline-smeared her 2013 shot is.)

• • •

Chrissy Teigen

And this is the end of an era. Chrissy was the last remaining model who was active when this blog had its first post on June 1, 2010. The turnover is complete