Underboob Monday: Scissor Sisters

I wish I had a photo of this top in the process of being snipped ...

... so I could make a triptych with these other two t-shirts getting cut down to size.

But as far as I know, that action shot doesn't exist. So here's Kate Upton in Esquire from 7 years ago.

The Star-Spangled Hannah

Thumb-Hook Thurfboard Thursday: Michelle Behennah, 2000

The more beaches you shoot on, the greater the chance of your model interacting with a surfboard.

It’s an outdoor summer activity you can do while social distancing, so let’s celebrate it.

Decadence

So it’s June 1, 2020. Obviously, there’s a lot going on today. But.

Ten years ago today, I put fingers to keyboard and started broadcasting my weird little thoughts and observations about the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

A surprising amount of stuff has happened to the issue since then.

The 50th Anniversary. The return of nipples. Recreations of historic shoots.

The foray into social issues. The widening of beauty standards for size, age, and amount of exposed skin. The shift to a kind of half-girlie-magazine, half-women’s-magazine.

The returns of many glorious veterans. The first second-generation model. The unveiling of a superstar.

SI Swim’s increase in social media, from boobcam tweets to an entire SI-hosted blog. A VR app. Live conventions.

A leaked cover. Three triple-covers. The pushing back of the release date from February to May to July.

Through it all, I’ve discovered I’m not the only historian with a deep affinity for this quaint, outdated slice of American cheesecake. There are maybe five or six of us.

I’ve enjoyed having a place to share my love for this magazine, and to share my frustrations as well.

At one point, my plan was to review the 2020 issue, whether it came out in February or May, then maybe shut the blog down (again) on June 1. But the schedule didn’t cooperate with that plan. I definitely want to see what 2020 is going to be like.

After that, who knows? The first time I ended this blog, after five years, was five years ago. And I just can’t seem to quit the swimsuit issue.

Swimfruit Issue

I’ve nearly run out of free-hip pics of the girls. I didn’t find any in the Summer of Swim collections from 2015 or 2016.

I did find these pics, though.

Hannah’s bikini has a cute little strawberry pattern.

And Hailey’s has watermelons.

(You have to look closely, and I have.)

So, I don’t know, Fruit Friday? Fruit is nutritious, we’re all trying to stay healthy, I have a huge list of pics of models interacting with fruit.

Listen, I need to keep my mind occupied.

Topless Tuesday: Two Hannahs, 2015

Continuing with the "Summer of Swim" theme, here are Hannah Ferguson and Hannah Davis, in big bottoms and nonexistent tops.

This’ll Put Hair on Your Chest

The kids call it a “hair bra,” and I thought we could enjoy a tonsorial Topless Tuesday.

Calendar Girls, Revisited: 1990

The very first week of the very first Swimsuit Desk Calendar. Stephanie Seymour, clinging to a rock while wearing that beautiful yellow one-piece thong. I remember it well, which makes it kind of astonishing that Stephanie presided over the birth of Michelle Vawer, a model whose one year in the swimsuit issue was already seven years ago.

But there’s Michelle’s birthday. Wednesday, January 3.


A few weeks later, Elle Macpherson was displayed on desks everywhere as future Rookie of the Year Kelly Rohrbach entered the world on Sunday the 21st.

Rachel Hunter offers Hannah Davis a pinch to grow an inch on Hannah’s birthday, May 5.

The next day, May 6, Ashley Richardson guided Jasmyn Wilkins into the world. You saw a lot more one-piecers in the issues and calendars of the late 80s/early 90s.

SI swimsuit legend Christie Brinkley welcomes SI swimsuit legend Lais Ribeiro on October 5.

And finally, two different girls — Ashley Smith and Chanel Iman — arrived (ironically) during a week with an unattached twin. They were born November 26 and December 1, respectively. According to the caption, that week's model was Yvonne Sylvander, but if it was actually Yvette who would know?

Hailey New Year

I just got my desk calendar/planner/diary or whatever for 2019.

Hailey Clauson is on the cover a second year in a row, making her the fifth girl to have a desk calendar cover-repeat, after Heidi Klum (1999/2000), Marisa Miller (2007/2008/2009), Brooklyn Decker (2010/2011), and Lily Aldridge (2015/2016). I think that list establishes Hailey as one of the elites.

She’s in a polka-dot bikini this year, ending a two-year streak of one-piecers (Hannah Davis wore one in 2017). Before that, there was a 17-year gap between Heidi Klum’s 1999 cover and Hannah’s. Bikinis, it seems, still reign.

I’ve expanded my collection of every desk calendar SI swimsuit has published, bringing the total to 30.

THREE DECADES. I’ve been a fan for a long time.

A few years ago (SEVEN ACTUALLY), I bridged the gap between generations of models by opening some of the earlier calendars to the birthdates of the more recent models. It was a fun and instantly aging thing to do. (Sailor Brinkley Cook, who I believe is the youngest SI swimsuit model currently in existence, was 13 and a half when I posted it.)

Good to have you, Sailor.

As I predicted, there are a lot more girls to do that with today than there were back in 2012. I thought I’d take the next few days to update the list.

And to feel so, so old.

In Memoriam

I’m planning a lawsuit against Sports Illustrated.

A few months ago, I mapped out my ideal 2018 swimsuit issue. It included eight 2017 models I’d have loved to see come back.

SI got rid of three of them.

It’s very tough to lose Bo Krsmanovic, Hannah Ferguson, and Rose Bertram. I feel like there must be intolerable cruelty or breach of contract or some legal concept I can use to get those girls back.

Anyway, let’s survey the damage.

Bo Krsmanovic

I could have seen Bojana come back over and over again for years. This dark, Serbian beauty had a lot more swimsuit in her.

• • •

Rose Bertram

I’m even more torn up by the loss of this cute, bubbly, buxom young woman.

• • •

Hannah Ferguson

And the centerpiece. Hannah F was a sleek, blonde bombshell, and I can’t believe she’s gone.

• • •

Hannah Davis

Hannah D (or Hannah J if you prefer) was a staple and will be missed. Though as I’ve mentioned before, I think we have a good replacement in Chase Carter.

• • •

Nina Agdal

It was a respectable run for Nina! Six years. Looking at her photos, it’s clear how the Photoshop waxed and waned. (Look how Vaseline-smeared her 2013 shot is.)

• • •

Chrissy Teigen

And this is the end of an era. Chrissy was the last remaining model who was active when this blog had its first post on June 1, 2010. The turnover is complete