Blanket Statements

I’ve agonized in the past about whether the swimsuit issue has gotten too overtly sexual.

Mainly, the thoughts have centered around nudity and body parts. But I just realized something more subtle: bikini models in bed.

It’s a whole subgenre. Rebecca Romijn might have been the first specimen, back in 1999.

Fast forward to 2006, and we have Molly, Yesica, and Noemie lounging around in their hotel beds giving you their best “come hithers.”

The girls find themselves in deserts and museums, Russian palaces and college football fields, all sorts of places where swimsuits don’t really have a practical purpose.

But beds … I mean, this is about sex, right? You’re being invited to imagine that you and the model are vacationing together and getting ready to head out to the pool or the beach but suddenly have a mood sweep over you so maybe the pool can wait.

These are hotel rooms, so they could conceivably be anywhere in the world. Quick: Which exotic locales are Jessica, Melissa, and Esti in?

Hint: It doesn’t matter. They might as well be in a nice Best Western in Des Moines.

I’m not complaining. In fact, it’s kind of awesome.

Sweet dreams.

Daniella S-ARRRRGGH-ahyba and Friends

In honor of International Talk Like A Pirate Day, please enjoy these 2008 photos of Daniella, Selita, and Melissa.

One-Piece Wednesday: Melissa Haro, 2008

Two Melissas Enter. One Melissa Leaves.

In 2008, we were presented with two remarkably similar models. Each had long, dark hair and a deep, sultry look and a sleekly solid build.

Each was named Melissa.Melissa Baker (left) and Melissa Haro (right). They could be each other’s soap opera twins—the good girl gone bad and the bad girl gone good. A yin and yang of hot brunette.They seem so alike, I almost suspect a clerical error; two statuesque, raven-tressed Melissas were accidentally entered into the database at the same time. They were even born one month and one day apart in 1987 (Haro on September 5, Baker on October 6).Clearly, only one could survive.

Haro went on to pose again in 2009.And Baker was entered into the record books as a one-hit wonder.

White Swimsuit Week, 2011: Part Eight

We wrap up the week with Melissa Haro, who is 24 today.More on Melissa later this week.

Bar Remodeling

The swimsuit issue Facebook page wishes its followers a happy new year with this photo of Bar Refaeli from 2009:It’s a nice pic. But if you look closely, you can see some sloppy touching-up.Apparently, seeing a bit of skin buckle around a swimsuit string would have been too hideous a sight for the cheesecake-viewing public—and made Bar look like a hideous monster.

Obviously, touching-up happens to every girl to some extent. It’s a good bet that it often takes place even before the photo is taken.

People with experienced, sharp eyes are probably able to find the seams in any photo. But to my eyes, there rarely is a gaffe like the above.

That brought to mind this photo (on the left) I found somewhere online. It looks to be a pre-retouch photo of the 1996 cover.The whitened the heck out of the teeth and eyes. They smoothed over Valeria’s cleavage and Tyra’s thigh. For some reason, Tyra’s butt had some sort of boxy angle to it, and they took care of that. Why they got rid of the dangling string of Tyra’s top, I can’t imagine

Last February, in anticipation of the 2010 issue, SI.com ran a gallery of Kathy Ireland photos. In the process, they unwittingly revealed that when this photo ran in the 1993 issue, they had erased her (admittedly creepy) disembodied right hand.I’ve noticed a couple other small, non-retouching-related mistakes, like this misplaced watermark on poor Melissa Haro from 2009:…and this photo of Paulina Porizikova labeled “Kim Cloutier,” which is in the rotation for the front page of the Swimsuit Collection:And then there’s this bewildering detail from Brooklyn Decker’s 2009 bodypainting video. (What was it about 2009?) The compass on her left hip (and another on her butt) is blurred throughout:…and in the photos that ran, it’s clearly a different compass:Joanne Gair must have been guilty of some sort of compass plagiarism. (I would have thought having “north” point upward was in the public domain.)

Bottom Out

Every swimsuit issue has a handful of topless pics, wherein the breasts are covered by the model’s hands, a prop, or a well-placed obstacle.And with surprising regularity, a swimsuit issue will present to you a model who’s completely naked, twisting her body to hide from you that which must be hidden.But in all my years of flipping through swimsuit issues, I have happened across only two photos of models who are wearing tops but not bottoms. And they are the aforementioned Tori Praver (2008) and Melissa Haro (2009).Thank you ladies, from the bottom of my heart.


UPDATE: Add Ana Paula Araujo to the list.

UPDATE #2: And Chrissy Teigen.

UPDATE #3: And Nina Agdal.

UPDATE #4: And Kate Bock, Chanel Iman, Hailey Clauson, and Rose Bertram.

UPDATE #5: And another from Hailey Clauson plus one each from Kate Upton and Samantha Hoopes.

Buddha and the Beach

I was searching for some unrelated thing a week or so ago, and I stumbled upon this statue:
Does it look familiar?
The name of the statue is “The Final Nirvana of the Blessed One.” The position is a staple of Buddhist imagery.

When I saw it, I did a double take. It is stunningly reminiscent of one of the classic poses for a swimsuit model.
This description is from that link: “the left foot is positioned right on top of the right foot.”
It’s not a natural position to be in, and it would be uncomfortable after a while, but swimsuit models do it to give us a survey of the real estate.
I love this pose. There’s something so archetypal about a girl in a swimsuit on her side, legs together, head propped up.
Also from that link, it is “important especially to note the difference in position of the right hand.” If it is propping the head up, like these glamorous beauties, he is resting.
If it is at an angle, he is preaching his last prophesy.And if it is lying down next to the body, he has entered into Nirvana (passed away).
Our condolences to Paulina’s family. But it seems she has achieved transcendental enlightenment.