( )( )

 

Two-Pièce de Résistance: Elle and Kathy, 1990

I’ve often referred to this as the greatest photo ever taken.

Photo: Robert Huntzinger

It’s got everything. Two SI stars in their prime. Magnificent candy-colored bikinis in platonic-ideal cuts. A front view alongside a back view.

Readers opened the February 12, 1990 issue to pages 126-127 to see these ladies, bled to the edges of what should have been but inexplicably wasn’t the centerfold.

Although I have stated that an overabundance of nearly-identical poses in the same suit is a shortcoming of the modern swimsuit issue, making it harder to pinpoint single, iconic shots, I do have to praise some variants of this shot that are floating around the internet.

The subtle differences in poses — arms, heads, legs — give you a little taste of what the shoot would have been like, almost creating a flip-book in your mind: Watch Elle and Kathy luxuriating side by side, gently writhing their semi-submerged bodies. My head swims to think about it.

The caption describes them as keeping cool in the “Cotton House pool” on the private island of Mustique.

There are a couple of pools on the Cotton House resort grounds, each of which features a curve along the edge. But based on the tiling, I think this must be the pool at “The Residence,” a private suite with rates I’m not even going to bother looking up, so it’s one swimsuit mecca I will never visit except through these photos.

Two-Pièce de Résistance: Judit Masco, 1990

I’m not really a breast man, but dang.

Photo: Robert Huntzinger

This photo makes me understand them. These are masterpieces.

The netted top drapes casually and translucently over them, and Judit, apparently just fine with it, tosses us a smile. You can almost see her tilt her head back for a friendly nod as you pass her on the beach. (She’s staying at a neighboring cabin.)

This was over a decade before the great de-nippling of Sports Illustrated, and this is probably the kind of photo that got them temporarily banned in the first place.

The bikini bottom, color-coordinated with the net and the flippers and the bracelet, is a sweet, smooth, yellow triangle. But one fun detail is the twist on the strap above her hip.

In this magazine, swimsuits tend to be form-fitting and pristine. We want the suits, even if they’re not actually painted on, to look painted on.

But here, whether or not it’s intentional, the tiny twist implies casualness.

There’s a companion photo.

Here we see Judit from behind. Maybe we’ve been watching her go back and forth with her flippers and her bag of … dry clothes? Shells? This time, perhaps she’s a little less patient with our stare. Her mouth is caught mid-sentence, as if she’s saying, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

But from this angle we also see her hair, mussed and beachy, tied up with a bandana. The top is a little ragged, now that you mention it. And her bikini bottom is a little loose, ever so slightly saggy, not the shrinkwrap that most SI swimsuits are.

These photos are a teensy bit ramshackle, at least compared to most others. It feels like a beach — not a fantasy beach, but a more visceral one, with the humid air and a mild sunburn and a little sand in your shoes. I think Judit looks a bit more down-to-earth, maybe even touchable, as a result.

Two-Pièce de Résistance: Jessica Gomes, 2009

This was Jessica’s sophomore year, and the year she nestled into my brain as one of my all-time favorite models.

Photo: Steve Erle

She was mostly in tans and earth tones that year, and a lot of her shots take place against this craggy, grey wasteland, making the shoot less beachy, more post-apocalyptic.

This is the opposite of a high-cut suit, but it is no less sexy for it. It taps into my love of the full-body sheath of a one-piece, but moreso. Then it adds a wonderful wet cling — psychedelic swirls where the fabric hugs her, alongside a few islands where it’s drier, or where there’s a bit of space between the suit and her body.

There’s a lot of engaging detail, I guess is what I’m saying.

Top it off with a cleavage-window and Jessica’s sly “I know what you’re thinking” side-eye, and it combines everything I love about her.

Two-Pièce de Résistance: Ashley Richardson, 1991

I know she’s the Queen of the One-Piece, but …

Photo: Walter Iooss Jr.

… this is a perfect bikini pic.

It’s actually remarkably similar to Karen Mulder’s shot from six years later. Blonde bombshell, swervy pose, turquoise bikini. I guess I have a “type.”

But Ashley’s pose is more presentational. Here’s a head-on look at her magnificent, voluptuous body. A platonic ideal of a bikini top and bottom, laid out upon Ashley for our enjoyment.

For me, there’s a kind of silliness to the pose as well. The tousled hair, the pressed-together thighs, the pouty lips aimed off to the heavens … It’s like she’s doing a parody of a sexy pose, “playing at” being a bathing beauty.

When you watch Ashley in her making-of videos, she clearly has a sense of humor. She goofs around, cracks jokes, and seems to relish the bizarreness of what she’s doing: prancing through the snow in a swimsuit, straddling a fence in a swimsuit, lathering soap bubbles on her chest while thigh-deep in a jacuzzi in a swimsuit, etc.

In a lot of behind-the-scenes SI videos, a girl will pull an exaggerated, silly “sexy” move, like winking at the camera or wriggling her hips or blowing a kiss. The wonderful thing is, their cartoonish, ironic sexiness still comes across as sexy. They can’t escape it, no matter how corny they try to make it.

Two-Pièce de Résistance: Jessica White, 2009

Jessica deserved a cover.

Photo: Raphael Mazzucco

She put together an eight-year reign, which is impressive. 2009 was her sixth appearance.

This might not be the best photo of her — there are plenty that make a beautiful display of her full, stellar body — but there’s something about this one that makes me stop and stare.

There are several layers of teasing here.

There’s the direct and confident eye contact, almost a dare directed at the viewer.

Then her top is undone, which is a standard go-to teasing move. The thumb-hook, the free-hip, the objects-as-improvised-top — the hint at impending nudity is a button SI presses regularly.

And there’s something sexy about that bite. Mouths are easily sexualized, whether the model is biting a hot dog or a straw or her fingernail. But offhand, I can’t think of another photo in all of SI history where the model is closing her mouth around her own swimsuit.

And I know not everyone is as perverted as I am, but I can’t be the only person whose mind drifts to a gag being gently inserted between her teeth? No? Just me? Moving on.

Jessica was a solid and statuesque beauty with a long and gorgeous tenure. One of the greats of her decade.

Two-Pièce de Résistance: Jarah Mariano, 2008

Jarah is an unsung hero of the swimsuit issue.

Photo: Stewart Shining

This was her rookie year of two years in the magazine. She’s breathtaking.

I think she’s got a following of her own. I know she’s done some Victoria’s Secret and maybe a few lad rags? But she should be more exalted in SI than she is.

I put her at the halfway point of my top-50 ranking of swimsuit models back in 2013, but it’s still a pleasant surprise when I see her. “Oh right! Jarah Mariano!”

This photo is just so … pretty.

Everything about it is very feminine. Pink bikini, not too modest but not overly skimpy, with a sparkly design. A fragrant-looking lei draped around her neck. An elegant, curvy pose, soft smile, wisps of hair caressed by the breeze.

I once declared that this photo could have been a cover. In fact, I think it’s a much better image than Marisa’s cover that year. She even angles her head and upper body as if to accommodate the Sports Illustrated title across the top.