Yes, We Have Fake Bananas

Decorative plastic bananas make a lovely swimsuit accessory, whether up top:

Patricia Velasquez, 1995

...or down below:

Ariel Meredith, 2012

One-Piece Wednesday: Ariel Meredith, 2013

Hazmat — Will Travel

Naomi Campbell went all out trying to protect herself during a recent flight.

Here she is in a more flattering outfit.

But please heed this PSA brought to you by the ladies of the 2009 swimsuit issue:

Don’t.

Touch.

Your.

Face. 

(Especially on the MTA, Damaris!)

Anyway, the 2020 issue is taking shape, and maybe it will provide a nice respite from the nationwide quarantine in a couple months. Watch this space.

One-Piece Wednesday: Ariel Meredith, 2015

Just in kind of an Ariel mood today.

Grand Swimsuitification Theory

A few years ago, I extolled the virtues of Ashley Richardson’s extroversion, linking her with 40 other swimsuit models through SI’s multiple-girl shoots.

There’s another rich vein of connected models, but unfortunately it is mutually exclusive from Ashley’s.

You may remember Julie Henderson’s rookie year, in which she posed with Jessica White on the football field.

Julie also appears in this 3D video with Irina Shayk and Alyssa Miller.

And she pops up in this lovely black and white photo with Brooklyn Decker. The shot doesn’t appear in SI (and in fact there’s no swimsuit to be seen in the photo). But I found it on Walter Iooss’s website, and I can’t think of any other campaign those three people have all been part of, so I’m going to count it as an SI-adjacent photo.

Brooklyn, of course, is good friends with Chrissy Teigen, and this behind-the-scenes photo of the two of them is from an SI shoot.

And Chrissy’s cover provided a nice threesome with Lily Aldridge and Nina Agdal.

Nina disguised herself as Valeria Mazza alongside a Tyra Banks-ified Ariel Meredith.

Ariel took her Route 66 road trip with Ashley Smith, Hannah Ferguson, and Sara Sampaio.

And of course Sara’s rookie year paired her up with fellow rookie Gigi Hadid.

So we have a string of 13 girls. I wish there was a way to connect this group with Ashley Richardson’s group, but for now they remain mutually exclusive.

I could EASILY link them — and add lots more models — if I counted this “Legends” group photo. However, despite the bared midriffs and heaved cleavage, I consider these models to be fully clothed, so in my heart I must leave them apart.

(I also strongly suspect that not all the Legends are actually in the same shot. Kathy in particular looks Photoshopped in.)

In Memoriam

Farewell to the five non-rookies who did not return for 2016.

Emily Ratajkowski

I was surprised she came back for a second year, so I’m not surprised she didn’t reappear for 2016. She was always good for some sexy shots. But something ineffable kept her from “feeling” like an SI girl to me.

• • •

Sara Sampaio

This one hurts. Sara was easily one of my favorite models from the last two years. Beautiful eyes, magnificent body. Her time is over way too soon. I hope against hope SI isn’t done with her permanently; it’s rare but not unheard of for a model to take a year or two off, then return.

• • •

Ariel Meredith

For example: Ariel first appeared in 2009, then returned in 2012. I thought she had a great run, with 2012 and 2014 especially yielding some of my favorite pictures from the last few years.

• • •

Genevieve Morton

She was one of the longest-serving models and had become a reliable staple. She had a fun, kewpie doll presence she brought to the magazine, and it almost feels incomplete without her.

• • •

Jessica Gomes

Jessica spent some time as my favorite model in SI. She gave us eight magnificent years, and the swimsuit issue has a Gomes-shaped hole in it.

Heel Thyself

A few years ago, I pointed out that the ideal male fantasy was Yamila Diaz in a bikini, surrounded by beer and barbecue.

Oddly, I left out one detail. She’s wearing heels.

A gorgeous girl wearing nothing but a bikini and heels. Is there a more perfect symbol of feminine sexuality?