Underboob Monday: Scissor Sisters

I wish I had a photo of this top in the process of being snipped ...

... so I could make a triptych with these other two t-shirts getting cut down to size.

But as far as I know, that action shot doesn't exist. So here's Kate Upton in Esquire from 7 years ago.

Thumb-Hook Thursday: Jessica Hart, 2009

Blanket Statements

I’ve agonized in the past about whether the swimsuit issue has gotten too overtly sexual.

Mainly, the thoughts have centered around nudity and body parts. But I just realized something more subtle: bikini models in bed.

It’s a whole subgenre. Rebecca Romijn might have been the first specimen, back in 1999.

Fast forward to 2006, and we have Molly, Yesica, and Noemie lounging around in their hotel beds giving you their best “come hithers.”

The girls find themselves in deserts and museums, Russian palaces and college football fields, all sorts of places where swimsuits don’t really have a practical purpose.

But beds … I mean, this is about sex, right? You’re being invited to imagine that you and the model are vacationing together and getting ready to head out to the pool or the beach but suddenly have a mood sweep over you so maybe the pool can wait.

These are hotel rooms, so they could conceivably be anywhere in the world. Quick: Which exotic locales are Jessica, Melissa, and Esti in?

Hint: It doesn’t matter. They might as well be in a nice Best Western in Des Moines.

I’m not complaining. In fact, it’s kind of awesome.

Sweet dreams.

Rookie Reveal #2: Ashley Smith

Generally, when you talk about models and gaps, you’re talking about thighs. But with Ashley, you’re talking teeth.

Hers is about two Jessica Harts wide.

We’ll see if I can come around like I did with Jessica.

Jessica's seems quaint now.

Welcome, Ashley!

• • •

EDIT: Of course, this being the internet, a swarm of assholes has descended on the SI Swim Facebook page for a vicious snark-&-insult-fest over Ashley and her teeth. Come on, dimwits. Be your better selves.

Last Christmas I Gave You My Hart

They sure love putting SI girls in this backwoods motel, don’t they?

Jessica Hart delivers another highlight of this month’s Advent calendar.

She gives us plenty of stellar moments.

(Including some nice additions to yesterday’s glute tribute.)

Plus, it's another opportunity for my Jessica Hart rediscovery.

Happy New Year, Jess. Glad you’re around.

Topless Tuesday: Michelle Vawer, 2012

Another girl with conflicting birthday info. Depending on where you look, Michelle was either born on December 30 or January 3.

In any case, let’s celebrate this gorgeous creature with this curious photo:

I don’t know where the shot is from. But if the t-shirt looks familiar, it’s because it’s the same shirt worn (and snipped away) by Jessica Hart in 2009.

And Michelle’s bottom is clearly the same pattern (though a different style) as this bikini she wore in SI in 2012.

Not sure if there’s any direct connection, but two beautiful one-hit wonders seem to be sharing some kind of cosmic bikini connection. A “same suit, different babe” that spans the years.

In any case, Michelle doesn't seem to go topless in any of her SI photos. This one tricked me for a bit:

...but no, she's clearly wearing a top behind those leaves. So here's a photo of her in Gypsy brand lingerie.

Silver Bella

So today’s Advent video star isn’t directly an SI girl, but she’s got a strong SI tie.

Bella Hadid, in certain moments, is a dead ringer for her older(!) sister Gigi.

That’s right, Bella is even younger.

She apparently just turned 18 in October, so, uh, have at her.

Anyone else interested in an all-sister Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue? We could have Gigi and Bella Hadid:

...plus Jessica and Ashley Hart:

And maybe a throwback to the Sylvander twins.

Let's make this happen.