In the Palm of Your Sand

Like all red-blooded American males, I look to the swimsuit issue for one thing: tips on using coconut oil in my day-to-day life. Swim Daily came through with recommended products for hair care, skin care, and, um, lube.

So let us celebrate that most platonic ideal of tropical fruit, the coconut, which obviously makes several appearances in our favorite magazine. In fact, I bet there are lots more examples I’ve missed.

And just for the obligatory “Put the Lime in the Coconut” reference…

Thumb-Hook Thursday: Olivia Brower, 2019

From 1964 to 2017, there were zero Olivias in the swimsuit issue. In the last two years, there have been three.

Culpo and Jordan arrived last year, and this year they added Brower.

Two of those Olivias are pageant winners.

The third Olivia is a sweet, kinda baby-faced rookie…

…who, in the above photo, flash-reminded me of Tori Praver from 2008 (eleven years ago!).

Anyway, Olivia is a great name. Here’s to more Olivias!

Olivia Jordan in thumb-hook tholidarity

Free-Hip Friday: Tori Praver, 2008

Happy Irina-versary

Yesterday, I slipped in a pic of Irina Shayk’s posterior, so that post and this post tip the all-time Swimsuitologist scale in her favor: Irina Shayk 64, Kate Upton 62. In a way, it makes sense. This was Irina’s tenth consecutive appearance in the swimsuit issue, tying her with her fellow Russian beauty Anne V.

How did the rest of her 2007 rookie class fare?

Ana Paula Araujo (1 year)

Raica Oliveira (1 year)

Selita Ebanks (2 years)

Tori Praver (3 years)

Bar Refaeli (5 years)

Julie Henderson (7 years)

Like I did with Anne V, I counted up the number of models Irina has shared the magazine with. I have Irina at 81, leaving her a little short of Anne’s 88. (Anne was helped by the All-Star Reunion issue, which came out in 2006, just before Irina’s time.)

• • •

Adaora • Nina Agdal • Lily Aldridge • Ana Paulia Araujo • Melissa Baker • Natasha Barnard • Ana Beatriz Barros • Rose Bertram • Beyonce • Kate Bock • Yasmin Brunet • Jeisa Chiminazzo • Hailey Clauson • Shannan Click • Kim Cloutier • Hannah Davis • Sonia Dara • Brooklyn Decker • Yamila Diaz • Cintia Dicker • Emily DiDonato • Zoe Duchesne • Lucia Dvorska • Selita Ebanks • Hannah Ferguson • Kenza Fourati • Esti Ginzburg • Jessica Gomes • Izabel Goulart • Ashley Graham • Quiana Grant • Kirby Griffin • Gigi Hadid • Melissa Haro • Jessica Hart • Erin Heatherton • Bregje Heinen • Julie Henderson • Samantha Hoopes • Marloes Horst • Chanel Iman • Heidi Klum • Bo Krsmanovic • Robyn Lawley • Damaris Lewis • Jarah Mariano • Lauren Mellor • Ariel Meredith • Alyssa Miller • Marisa Miller • Tanya Mityushina • Genevieve Morton • Fernanda Motta • Aline Nakashima • Raica Oliveira • Oluchi Onweagba • Julie Ordon • Barbara Palvin • Jessica Perez • Dominique Piek • Tori Praver • Emily Ratajkowsi • Bar Refaeli • Crystal Renn • Sofia Resing • Hilary Rhoda • Kelly Rohrbach • Sarah Sampaio • Daniella Sarahyba • Ashley Smith • Solveig • Fernanda Tavares • Chrissy Teigen • Yesica Toscanini • Kate Upton • Cris Urena • Anne V • Valerie van der Graaf • Veronika Varekova • Michelle Vawer • Jessica White

• • •

Now, there’s no need to assume Irina will call it quits after just one decade. Kathy Ireland has the all-time record at 12 years (including 11 in a row). Does Irina have her eyes on that mark?

 

Watch your back, Ireland.

Pump(s) Up the Volume

How about a few more pairs of heels? Add some rock and roll to the bikini + high heels combo, and you have a perfect music video outfit.

The 2007 “Music” issue illustrated this well.

And heck, why not a couple more shots of Anne V. She seems to like wearing heels.

The Implications of Skimpification

Here’s a BBC article on the historical shrinking of swimwear, in conjunction with an exhibit at the Fashion and Textile Museum.

I don't care how much fabric is in those suits. These are sexy photos.

• • •

I’ve been contemplating why girls in swimsuits are sexier to me than girls in lingerie. I think I’ve stumbled upon something.

A bikini and a bra/panties combo are strikingly similar. They’re the same size and the same shape, and they cover the exact same areas of a woman’s body. But there’s a philosophical difference.

Lingerie is something a woman strips down to. A bikini is the outfit she puts on. The nearly identical articles of clothing are arrived at from opposite directions.

There’s something secretive about lingerie. In real life, seeing a woman dressed like that means she’s choosing to reveal herself to you in an intimate setting. (Which, make no mistake, is mind-blowingly sexy.)

But a swimsuit is worn publicly. The same amount of skin is shown, but there’s an air of “no big deal, I’m just swimming” about a bikini. I’m not sure I’ve put my finger on it, but it might be that the same level of sexuality is given a fun, everyday, celebratory personality to it.

It might account for that sense of “innocence” I have about the swimsuit issue that gets scandalized whenever a more overtly sexual approach pops up.

PSA: This shouldn’t need to be said, but I’ll say it: Don’t gawk at swimsuit-clad women in public places. It’s a different situation. The models in SI are tacitly inviting your eyes. Women at the pool are minding their own business. Sure: glance, notice. But don’t be a freaking creep.

This is important to me, because I want a world where respecting women and finding them hot are not presumed to be mutually exclusive. And I never want a woman to regret wearing a bikini.

There was a Tumblr blog, now sadly gone, called Fuck Yeah Swimsuit Models. It featured an SI photo per day, sometimes with commentary. I noticed some of the photos were tagged “classic.” I assumed this referred to photos from a certain bygone golden era of the magazine, or possibly to photos the person running the blog particularly liked.

But then I noticed the blog included a definition of the term “classic.” Thanks to the Internet Archive Wayback Machine, I can share this definition with you:

Classic, as a tag on this blog, refers to a very specific kind of shot: the model is wearing (all of) a real bikini, on a sunny beach. It’s just the original, simple premise of the swimsuit issue itself, no gimmicks or partially-disrobed women. Another way to look at it: classic shots are straightforward enough that they could actually be used by a viewer to judge the swimsuit itself. (As if anyone would ever try to do that.)

Tori Praver, would you demonstrate?

NOT CLASSIC: Missing a top.

NOT CLASSIC: Missing a bottom.

NOT CLASSIC: Missing a beach.

NOT CLASSIC: The suit is a lie.

Classic.

There you have it. The swimsuit, as it appears in the wild.