The Decade, from Cover to Cover

These are my favorite five covers of this blog’s ten-year history.

#5: 2014 (Nina, Lily, Chrissy)

One of only five multi-girl covers in SI’s history.

When it was revealed, I liked how silly it was. It was the 50th anniversary, and a lot of gimmicks were in play. But they landed on the sweet simplicity of three smiling, topless girls. I also think it’s fun and sexy that they’re touching each other’s butts. Can’t lie.

• • •

#4: 2017 (Kate)

Counting the three “collector’s covers” from 2017, Kate was on five covers this past decade. This was her best one.

Her first cover was criticized from all directions, including one fashion observer deeming it a “catastrophe.” (I disagree, but not THAT strongly.)

This one is interesting because, as one Twitter user pointed out, across three covers she is only wearing half of one swimsuit. That half is the cute little white bottom pictured here. (The rest of the “swimsuits” are vests, macramé, and a collection of necklaces.)

Extra cover trivia: It's Kate's second sleeved cover.

Her face is washed out, a victim of over-retouching I guess. But it’s a very nice survey of her body.

• • •

#3: 2011 (Irina)

A couple weeks after this cover was revealed, I ranked it #8 on my list of all the covers. It holds up, even with the mannequin-ish edge to her face. A great bikini (which was featured in a lot of Hawaii shots that year) on a great body. Those breasts truly earn their place of honor on this cover.

• • •

#2: 2018 (Danielle)

Considering I didn’t expect her to make a return after her 2017 rookie year, she gave us a pretty wonderful cover. The kinetic splashes around her adorable posterior make this a fun, care-free photo. It feels like a throwback to the 80s shots of my youth.

• • •

#1: 2016 (Hailey)

One of my favorite models of the last decade gets a fun, beachy cover. A smiling, topless blonde in the surf. Very classic. You can almost smell the sunscreen.

Who Is SI Suited For?

For decades, the swimsuit issue was aimed specifically at straight guys. It’s just a fact.

Exhibit A

I know other audiences paid attention to it, even enjoyed it. Women with an eye on beach fashion, perhaps. Photographers looking at style and technique. Amateur models dreaming of gracing its pages one day.

I wonder what ever happened to Jennifer Sundquist?

Plus, I think there’s just something universal about a beautiful woman. Seems like everyone — straight, gay, male, female — just kinda gets enthralled by bikini ladies to some extent, in a way that just doesn’t happen with the male physique.

“The female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It’s for gettin’ around, like a jeep.”

—Elaine Benes

Jeannine Amber wrote an article to accompany Tyra’s magnificent 2019 return to SI. It relates a story from an early downturn in Tyra’s career, when she was getting too curvy for high fashion, and her mom told her to write down the names of companies who like “ass.”

Soon, Tyra was on the cover of SI, described in the piece as “one of the most prominent arbiters of male heterosexual desirability in America.”

So yeah, it was for straight dudes. That’s canon.

Exhibit Ass

But lately SI has tried to expand, or even redefine, its audience. There’s the kinda-maybe-misguided “In Her Own Words” spread from a couple years ago, and the recent focus on varying the ages and body types that appear. The message seems to be less “Here’s what men find attractive” and more “Here’s an uplifting look at what attractive can be!”

But beyond that, there’s something that’s been sneaking into Swim Daily lately. Fashion tips aimed squarely at women.

No titillation at all, just a “Hey ladies, check out these tips for a swell lady lifestyle.”

It’s like they really think women will look to SI Swim like they’d look to Allure or Glamour. I honestly have no idea how likely that is, but maybe they’re snagging the aforementioned young fashion buffs and model hopefuls who happen to be there.

Compare that to the downright porny titles they gave their YouTube videos a couple years ago. “Barbara Palvin Feels Herself” and “Gigi Hadid Takes You To Her Wet, Tahitian Paradise” and “Kate Bock Takes You To Her ‘Magical Place’” and “Kate Upton Invites You To Explore Her Aruba Paradise” and “Brooklyn Decker Shows Off Her Dirty, Naughty Secret In Virgin Islands.”

They sound like they were pieced together by SEO sexbots. Clearly not aimed at women in need of skin lotion. (Maybe at MEN in need of skin lotion…)

It seems like the swimsuit issue is trying hard to find its angle. They veered raunchy, decided that wasn’t quite right, then they veered soft/inviting/celebratory and are seeing how that goes.

Never thought pretty ladies in bikinis would end up being a tough sell, but here we are. It’s an age of custom-tailored titillation at your fingertips, the death of print, and the rise of inclusivity, so maybe the age of Babette has ended.

ROTY Revisited: 2012, 2013

More years, more rookies to second-guess.

2012: Who won?
Nina Agdal.

Who should have won?
Probably Nina Agdal. She was a pillar of the magazine whose 6 years far outdistanced the rest of the 2012 class, who all had one- or two-year stints in the magazine.

But I sure loved Michelle Vawer.

If I’d been voting, I would have picked this elfin beauty (and brought her back for many more issues).

• • •

2013: Who won?
Kate Bock.

Who should have won?
Emily DiDonato.

I love Queen Kate II, and I’m glad to keep having her back, but Emily had a rare appeal to me. Her eyes alone put her in the SI pantheon.

In the third and fourth years, I’m starting to diverge from SI’s official choices…

Thumb-Hook Thursday: Nina Agdal, 2015

This girl was all thumbs in 2015.

Be That As It May

Well, it's official. The swimsuit issue will be out in May of this year, instead of February.

MJ Day claims that the issue that's currently brewing is "sexy but also shatters perceptions while being an empowering celebration of our incredible models."

Which ~*sigh*~ sounds like they're still trying to make this simple, sweet girlie magazine into some kind of zeitgeist-tapping mission statement.

I don't want to join the backlash. But I also don't think it's a great fit, and I long for the days when it was just unequivocal photos of Elle, Kathy, Stephanie, Rebecca, Heidi, et al. — a handful of models looking cute in bikinis.

I guess it's the word "but" after the word "sexy" that gives me pause.

Well, it's Topless Tuesday. You may recall that the photo above, with the magazine cover swimsuit, is reportedly Nina Agdal. So let's take a look at topless Nina through the years: one pic from each of her appearances in the swimsuit issue.

Calendar Girls, Revisited: 1992 Part 1

1992 provided an excellent crop of swimsuit models.

On February 12, under the Everhart zodiac sign, Valerie van der Graaf arrived.

The following week, under Ashley's watchful one-piece, we met newly minted rookie Camille Kostek.

Soon after, on March 1, Judit Masco introduced us to Bo Krsmanovic.

Then on March 26 (quite an eventful couple of months), Nina Agdal arrived, under the lounging figure of Monica Bellucci.

Topless Tuesday: Chrissy, Lily, Nina, 2014

Chrissy had a bit of an umbrella mishap last night.

So she's this week's Topless Tuesday model, along with a couple friends to make her feel better.

Hope you feel better, Chrissy.

Grand Swimsuitification Theory

A few years ago, I extolled the virtues of Ashley Richardson’s extroversion, linking her with 40 other swimsuit models through SI’s multiple-girl shoots.

There’s another rich vein of connected models, but unfortunately it is mutually exclusive from Ashley’s.

You may remember Julie Henderson’s rookie year, in which she posed with Jessica White on the football field.

Julie also appears in this 3D video with Irina Shayk and Alyssa Miller.

And she pops up in this lovely black and white photo with Brooklyn Decker. The shot doesn’t appear in SI (and in fact there’s no swimsuit to be seen in the photo). But I found it on Walter Iooss’s website, and I can’t think of any other campaign those three people have all been part of, so I’m going to count it as an SI-adjacent photo.

Brooklyn, of course, is good friends with Chrissy Teigen, and this behind-the-scenes photo of the two of them is from an SI shoot.

And Chrissy’s cover provided a nice threesome with Lily Aldridge and Nina Agdal.

Nina disguised herself as Valeria Mazza alongside a Tyra Banks-ified Ariel Meredith.

Ariel took her Route 66 road trip with Ashley Smith, Hannah Ferguson, and Sara Sampaio.

And of course Sara’s rookie year paired her up with fellow rookie Gigi Hadid.

So we have a string of 13 girls. I wish there was a way to connect this group with Ashley Richardson’s group, but for now they remain mutually exclusive.

I could EASILY link them — and add lots more models — if I counted this “Legends” group photo. However, despite the bared midriffs and heaved cleavage, I consider these models to be fully clothed, so in my heart I must leave them apart.

(I also strongly suspect that not all the Legends are actually in the same shot. Kathy in particular looks Photoshopped in.)

In Memoriam

I’m planning a lawsuit against Sports Illustrated.

A few months ago, I mapped out my ideal 2018 swimsuit issue. It included eight 2017 models I’d have loved to see come back.

SI got rid of three of them.

It’s very tough to lose Bo Krsmanovic, Hannah Ferguson, and Rose Bertram. I feel like there must be intolerable cruelty or breach of contract or some legal concept I can use to get those girls back.

Anyway, let’s survey the damage.

Bo Krsmanovic

I could have seen Bojana come back over and over again for years. This dark, Serbian beauty had a lot more swimsuit in her.

• • •

Rose Bertram

I’m even more torn up by the loss of this cute, bubbly, buxom young woman.

• • •

Hannah Ferguson

And the centerpiece. Hannah F was a sleek, blonde bombshell, and I can’t believe she’s gone.

• • •

Hannah Davis

Hannah D (or Hannah J if you prefer) was a staple and will be missed. Though as I’ve mentioned before, I think we have a good replacement in Chase Carter.

• • •

Nina Agdal

It was a respectable run for Nina! Six years. Looking at her photos, it’s clear how the Photoshop waxed and waned. (Look how Vaseline-smeared her 2013 shot is.)

• • •

Chrissy Teigen

And this is the end of an era. Chrissy was the last remaining model who was active when this blog had its first post on June 1, 2010. The turnover is complete